


First Love

by Joni_Beloni



Series: Moving Towards Forever [1]
Category: Emergency!
Genre: Dubious Consent, First Time, M/M, Minor Violence, Partner Betrayal, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-08
Updated: 2011-08-08
Packaged: 2017-10-22 09:50:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/236745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joni_Beloni/pseuds/Joni_Beloni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Years before becoming a paramedic, as John Gage is struggling to put his past behind him and build a new life, he catches the eye of a fellow trainee at the fire academy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners.  The original characters and plot are the property of the author.  The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators or producers of any media franchise.  No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> * * *

 

The empty soda can sailed through the air and bounced off John Gage’s left shoulder.   _Oh.  Not quite empty after all.  Interesting variation._  Warm Pepsi soaked his tee shirt and he let it trickle unheeded down his arm, unwilling to give Sanders or his buddy the satisfaction of so much as a flinch as the blue hatchback accelerated past him.  Doug Sanders was turned in the passenger seat, floppy red hair whipping around his head, smirking at John, as if he had just played the most hilarious prank in the world.  After every day of training, he could count on something being lobbed at him as they sped past.   _Jesus.  At least come up with something original_ , John thought scornfully.

He picked up his pace a little, not wanting to miss his bus.  He couldn’t afford to be late to work again.  Although there were only two weeks left of training before graduation, he had no idea yet how soon he would be assigned to a station for his probationary period.  Busing tables and washing dishes at _Roxy’s_ didn’t pay much, but the meals were free, he still needed bus fare, and he was halfway to saving up enough to buy a car.  Not a nice car, just transportation to work and back, and hopefully with enough room to sleep in relative comfort until he got his first couple fire department paychecks and could finally move into an apartment.

For now, Jerry, the owner of _Roxy’s_ , let him crash most nights in the supply room, and although his idea of the price of rent had proved to be distasteful and humiliating, it was no worse than what he had been doing for the last year, and at least John was off of the streets.  Besides, it wasn’t for much longer, and he knew Jerry would never reveal John’s hidden talents.  The man had a wife and family, after all.

Behind him, he heard another car slow down as it approached, and he braced himself for whatever projectile or insult would be thrown his way next.  Instead, he heard a rich bass voice say, “Hey, Gage.  You need a ride?”

He turned and discovered a beige VW bug keeping pace with him, driven by another one of the recruits in his class.  Blonde, tan, tall, arms corded with muscles, a typical southern California surfer type.   _Him!_ John searched his memory for a name.  Jared?  No, Jason.  Jason Lindstrom.  Quiet guy, but smart, picked up everything right away.  John had definitely noticed him, but had never spoken to him, having figured him to be just another one of the jerks, even though Jason had never joined in with the jokes and pranks and blatant threats directed at John.  Right now he wore a friendly enough expression.  Still, pride and a lifetime of rejection and betrayals had John hesitating to take him up on the offer.

He opened his mouth to say thanks but no thanks, but the words stalled in his throat as he caught Lindstrom’s warm, hazel gaze.  It contained something so kind and guileless that John found himself reaching for the passenger door handle and murmuring, “Yeah, sure.  Thanks, man,” almost before he realized what he was doing.

Grinning, Jason sped back into traffic, cutting off a delivery van.  “Gotta hand it to you, Gage.  I think you’re the only guy I know personally who takes the bus in LA.”

John scowled, his hackles raised again.  “Plenty of people ride the bus.  Nothing wrong with it.”  He stared out the passenger window, wondering how the guy even knew he was headed for the bus, and wishing he had just kept walking.

“Hey, sorry.  No need to get so prickly.  I didn’t mean anything by it.”  Both were silent for a minute or two, then Jason spoke again.  “Look, you doing anything right now?  I was wondering if you wanted to go grab a bite, or shoot some pool or something.”

Turning to look at him in mild disbelief, John caught the full force of the other man’s disarming.  Full, masculine lips stretched easily in the tanned face, framing white teeth which were flawless except for one slightly crooked, overlapping incisor which only seemed to enhance all of that perfection.  John blinked, gulped and turned away again.   _Hope he’s got those teeth and lips licensed as lethal weapons._

“Well?” said Jason.

“Huh?”  John registered belatedly that the hot guy had just invited him to hang out.  Almost relieved to have an excuse, he said, “Oh.  Sounds fun, but I gotta get to work.”

“Ah.  Well, another time, okay?”

“Sure,” he said, while thinking, _not in a million years, man_.  “Hey, can you drop me up on the next block?  Buses run a lot more often here.”

“Where are you headed?  I don’t mind taking you.”

John hesitated.  The last thing he needed was one of the assholes from the academy knowing where he worked.  He snuck another look at Jason.  The guy didn’t seem like asshole.  Choosing not to dwell on the possible consequences, he gave him the address of _Roxy’s_ , which was located in a pretty rough neighborhood.  He almost expected a sudden change of heart from Jason, but he just nodded and zipped into the left lane to make the necessary turn.  Car horns sounded angrily behind them.  “If it’s too far out of your way…”

Jason smiled again, sending a warm tingle down John’s spine.  “Nope.  I know the area.  In fact, it’s on my way home.”

 _Yeah, right_.  The guy reeked of vanilla suburbia.  Still, it was nice to be able to skip the long, jolting bus trip for once, so he just kept quiet and enjoyed the ride.  Well, enjoyed it as much as he was able, between Jason’s frenetic driving and his distracting closeness in the tiny vehicle.  John snuck a few glances at Jason’s long, muscular, jean-clad leg only inches from his knee, his hard chest and stomach outlined by a snug tee shirt, and the well defined biceps and forearms which bent and bunched as he controlled the stick shift and steering wheel with careless ease.

“So, how are you liking the academy?” asked Jason.

“Fine.”   _Wow, Gage, you are one eloquent son of a bitch._

He saw Jason shoot him a quick look.  “I hope you’re not letting those other guys get to you.  You’re going to be twice the fireman anyone of them will.  Ten times.  And I should know.”

John raised an eyebrow.  “You should, huh?  Why’s that?”

That butterfly-inducing smile made a brief reappearance, this time a little dimmer and slightly rueful.  “It’s in my blood, man.  My grandfather, father, brother, two uncles, five cousins—all firefighters.  So I guess I know a thing or two about the business.”

“Oh.”  He cast about for something intelligent to add.  “I guess you never had to think twice about what you were going to do with your life.  Must be nice.”

“Hmm.  Yes and no, Johnny.”

“It’s John.”  Right away, he was sorry he had corrected him.  Why did he have to sound so glum?  The guy was just trying to be nice.  “Or Johnny,” he amended.  “Either one.”

“No one ever called you Johnny before?”

“Just my mom sometimes.  When I was a kid.”

“I think it suits you.  No offense, but ‘John’ just sounds so…ordinary.”

John stared at Jason’s profile.   _What the hell?_  He decided to steer the conversation elsewhere.  “So you were saying…yes and no?”

“Huh?  Oh, yeah.  Don’t get me wrong.  I always wanted to be a fireman.  But sometimes I just feel like I never had any choice in the matter.  A guy likes to have a choice, right?”

“I guess so.”   _Unless all the choices seem to be bad ones._

“So how about you, Johnny?  How long have you wanted to be a fireman?”

John’s stomach tensed as he groped for an answer that would sound plausible.   _Since I agreed to give regular blow jobs to fat Jerry to keep my lousy job and have a place to sleep?_ “Uh, a while now.  Not as long as you.  But I think it’s gonna be good.”

“You like it, don’t you?”

“Sure.”  They were close to _Roxy’s_.  “If you take this next right there’s plenty of street parking just a half a block up.”   _Well, that was stupid.  Like he’s going to want to come in with me._

Jason followed his instructions, pulling to the curb to park.  “I’ve seen this place, but never gone in.  How’s the food?”

John wavered, undecided.   _Just invite him in.  He doesn’t know anything about you, just wants to be buddies.  No big deal._  He mustered up his most charming smile.  “Well, I’m not gonna lie to you, Jason.  It’s not great.  Hard on the digestion, but easy on the wallet.”  Encouraged by the other man’s easy laugh, he forged ahead.  “Thanks to you, I’m early for my shift.  I guess I can join you for a bite after all, if you’re still up for it.”

“Sounds good, Johnny.  I’m starved.”

Entering the dark restaurant, the first person they encountered was Jerry.   _Shit._  “Hey Gage, your shift doesn’t start for another forty-five minutes.  I’m not paying you any overtime.”

John’s jaw clenched.  Everything about the man grated on his nerves, from his filthy apron to his, pale, watery eyes, to his pudgy fingers, his greasy comb-over, his flabby gut, and the sour odor which clung to every inch of him.  “Yeah, I get that, but I brought someone who’s brave enough to try your food.  So, is it okay if I get my meal now?”

“All right.  But he’s gotta pay for his own.”  Jerry caught a glimpse of Jason.  “Unless…,” he said speculatively, and leered at him in a way that had John starting to panic.  He gave his boss a quick little shake of his head.   _Shit, shit, shit.  This was a bad idea._ It was too late to back out, so he pushed Jason past Jerry and found an empty booth in the back.  He could see Jerry craning his neck to watch them, and prayed he would stay up front and leave them alone.

It was a slow afternoon in the restaurant, and within moments Shelly arrived at the table with menus and a flirty smile for John.  He grinned back at her, and watched, amused, as she caught sight of Jason and did a double-take.  He could almost see her thirty-something heart beating faster as she took in the blonde good looks of Jason Lindstrom.   _I know how you feel, Shelly._  “Who’s your friend, John?” she asked, fiddling with the stray hairs that had escaped from her messy ponytail.

“This is Jason.  Jason, Shelly here is the best waitress at _Roxy’s_.”

She laughed.  “Oh, geez.  Talk about faint praise, you little shit.  So how do you guys know each other?”

“We, uh, we’re taking a class together.”  John purposely left out the part about the fire academy, hoping Jason would pick up on that.  He didn’t want anything connecting his new career with his old life.

“Oh yeah?  What class is that?  Maybe I need to sign up for that class.”  She was practically batting her eyelashes in Jason’s direction.

John toyed with the chipped ashtray, searching for an appropriate answer when Jason chimed in.  “History of Ancient Civilizations.  It’s fascinating.  Do you have an interest in history, Shelly?”

Her eyes narrowed suspiciously.  “Wow, John. I didn’t know you were such a…a…scholar.  So, you guys need to look at the menu, or you ready to order?”

John shot Jason a grateful look, and cleared his throat nervously.  “Just my usual.”

“Okey-dokey.  Two cheeseburgers, extra fries, milk, and a slice of apple pie.”

“With ice cream.”

“Apple pie with ice cream.  Got it.  Don’t know where you put it.  And how about your friend?”

Jason smiled and handed her his menu.  “Same for me.”

Flustered, she dropped the menu, picked it up, and muttered something about “peas in a pod” as she went to put in their order.

“She seems nice,” said Jason blandly.

John laughed.  “Watch yourself when you leave.  You might find yourself with a tranquilizer dart in your ass.”

“No, that is definitely _not_ what I want in my ass,” he deadpanned, his hazel eyes holding John’s gaze.

 _What the hell,_ John found himself thinking for the second time that afternoon.  He swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry, and looked away.  “Uh, I’ll be right back.”  He stood abruptly, moving around the corner and down the dark hallway to the men’s restroom.  After relieving himself, he stood in front of the mirror, taking deep, calming breaths and running cold water over his wrists.  Okay, two possibilities here, either he had misunderstood, or the guy was messing with him.  No way was the hot guy hitting on him.

He splashed some water on his face and patted it dry with a paper towel.  Some of the other recruits had probably put him up to it.   _Figures.  Why’d I think he was just being friendly?  Way to let your guard down._  He took a couple more deep breaths, determined to just get this meal over with as quickly as possible.  No doubt he would now have to put up with even more crap on Monday, but he was used to that, right?  Okay.  He put on his game face and headed back to the booth.

While he was still out of sight around the corner, he heard Jerry’s voice and stopped to listen.   _This can’t be good._

“…not sure how you’re situated, but if you need a place to stay, or just a meal or something, we could work the same deal I have going with John.  One blow job for each night or if you let me fuck you in the ass, that’ll get you a week’s worth.  Can’t get John to go for that, although it’s incredible, what he can do with his mouth.  You sure look like you could handle it okay —“

Hot anger and nausea filling him, John shot around the corner.  “N-n-now J-Jerry, you just hold it right there.  Leave him alone.  He’s not like me.  Y-you—oh man, you are such a fucking pig.”  He carefully avoided looking at Jason.

“What’s the matter, John,” Jerry sneered.  “Feeling jealous?  Afraid you’ll lose your sweet deal?”

“You’re crazy.”  John’s fists were clenched, and it was all he could do not to swing at that smug, taunting face.  “You think I ever would have touched you if I didn’t have to? You think I didn’t want to vomit before, during and after?  Every .  Single.  Time.  You have got to be the most repulsive, slimy…ah, shit.  I’m outta here.  And yeah, I’m fired.  I know.  Just – just – go screw yourself, or maybe try screwing your wife for a change.”

He couldn’t get out of there fast enough.  Shelly skittered out of the way juggling two plates of food as he stormed past, nearly knocking her over.

 _Shit fuck shit fuck shit._  Jason had heard every word.  He was probably still scraping his jaw off the table.  A block from the restaurant, John stopped to smack his palm against the side of a red brick building.  He had well and truly blown it this time.   _Say goodbye to being a fireman, Gage._

“Johnny,” came Jason’s out of breath voice as he hurried to catch up.

John started walking again, his strides long, desperate to put distance between himself and the other man.

“Hey, wait up!  Come on, I just want to talk.”

John spun around, his temper spiking.  “Oh. You want to talk?  What do you want to say?  Huh?”  He jabbed a finger in the other man’s chest.  “You want to tell me I’d better not show my queer Injun face back at the academy, or you and your friends there will beat the shit out of me?  Maybe you could invite your grandfather and father and brother and two uncles and five cousins along for the fun.  Well, you don’t have to worry.  I know when I’m done.  Guess I’ll just have to find another fat moron’s balls to lick to earn my way in the world.”

The anger drained from him as suddenly as it had come, and he dropped to his haunches, back against the wall, his hands clutching either side of his head, eyes squeezed shut.  “Damn it,” he whispered.  A moment later, he jumped as a tentative hand touched his shoulder.  Looking up, he saw Jason kneeling next to him on the sidewalk.  “Please just leave me alone.”

“Johnny, it’s okay.  Really.  Those guys at the academy are not my friends, and I’m not going to say a word to them.”

John stared at him, trying to gauge the truth in his words.  “Why not?” he said, confused.

“Because you’re wrong.  I am like you.  Well, not exactly like you.  How boring would that be?  But I’m like you in the way that’s going to get you into my bed in, oh, about two hours.  If I am very, very lucky.”

All John could do was continue to stare, because his brain had momentarily shut down as he struggled to catch up with these latest developments.   _Still going to be a fireman.  Jason gay.  Jason did hit on him.  Jason…hot._  As his brain began to function again, he asked the only thing that made sense at the moment, his voice a little breathless.  “Two hours?  Why so long?”

Jason laughed and helped him to his feet.  “I don’t know about you, but I’m still hungry.”

  


* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years before becoming a paramedic, as John Gage is struggling to put his past behind him and build a new life, he catches the eye of a fellow trainee at the fire academy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * * *

In the end, it was closer to three hours before they made it to the bed.  After a brief debate, they decided to pick up Chinese at a dumpy looking place near Jason’s apartment which featured cheap, delicious food.  They ate in companionable silence, seated side by side on the worn sofa in Jason’s tiny living room.  Once they had satisfied the worst of their hunger pangs, they had some beers and talked a little about the academy, and Jason shared a couple of amusing stories about his family.  When he looked over expectantly at John, he remained steadfastly silent, not ready to talk about his life before coming to LA, not yet, maybe not ever.   

Instead, John set both their beers on the coffee table, scooted over next to Jason, and leaned in for a hesitant kiss.  After a moment, he felt a large, warm hand on the back of his neck, pulling him closer.  Firm lips moved against his, then Jason’s tongue slid inside his mouth, exploring its contours and sending a shiver down his spine and straight to his cock.  Sucking hungrily, John tasted lo mein, beer and Jason.  He gave a low moan, and felt Jason’s answering moan vibrate through him as their tongues snaked one around the other. 

John pulled his mouth free, then knelt on the floor in front of Jason, pushing his knees apart and deftly unbuttoning his jeans.  In a matter of moments he had pulled his jeans and boxers down far enough to allow the other man’s hard cock to spring free.  _Better get to it,_ he thought, as he began licking and sucking Jason’s cock and gently squeezing his balls.  When he felt Jason’s hands clutching his hair, pushing him farther down, he obligingly took him in his mouth as far as he could, trying not to gag.  A brief image of Jerry entered his mind, and he had to pull back, releasing Jason and sitting back a little. 

“You okay, Johnny?” 

“Uh, yeah.  Don’t worry.  I can do this.”  He chewed on his lower lip, trying to catch his breath. 

“We can slow down a little, if you want.” 

“No, no, no.  Just—I just really want to show you how grateful I am to you, for dinner, and letting me stay with you.  This will feel real good.  I promise.”  He curved his hand around Jason’s cock and started rubbing up and down, lowering his head to suck on the tip.  As he worked him with increasing vigor, he shifted his gaze upwards to keep an eye on Jason’s responses, making sure that he was doing it the way Jason liked it.   

His heart sank a little as he saw what appeared to be annoyance on the other man’s face.  Starting to feel a little desperate, he took him in as far as he could, then relaxed his throat muscles to envelop him completely, sucking, licking, moving his head up and down. 

Suddenly, Jason gave a low hiss and stood up, sending John rocking backwards to fall on his butt.  

“What the—“  He stared up at Jason.  “Was I doing something wrong?  Let me try something else.  I’ve got this.”  He reached for his cock again, but stopped, baffled by the look on Jason’s face. 

Jason loomed over him.  “What are you thinking, Johnny?  This isn’t supposed to be about gratitude, or getting something in exchange for services rendered.” 

He pulled his jeans and boxers back up, looking pissed off. John stared miserably at the floor not knowing what to say. “Do I look like Jerry?  I’m not asking for anything from you.” 

He moved to sit on the coffee table, caressing the back of John’s head with one hand.  “I’m attracted to you, really, very much attracted.  But for all I care, we can sit here and talk all night, or go to bed and not do anything, or you can sleep out here and I’ll take the bedroom.  You can stay here as long as you want, no strings attached.  None.  Zilch.  Now, if you do want to take this further tonight, you won’t hear any complaints.  Just do me a favor and don’t ever pull that gratitude bullshit on me again.  Damn, Johnny.  Give yourself some credit.  You’re so much better than the Jerrys of this world will ever know.” 

John sat perfectly still, enjoying the feel of Jason’s hand on his head.  After a bit, he leaned into the caressing strokes and gave a small sigh.  “I’m sorry,” he murmured.  “I guess I don’t know what I’m doing.  My life has been so messed up for so long.  I think I’ve forgotten how to relate to anyone in a normal way.” 

Jason slid to the ground behind him, capturing John in the vee of his spread legs, holding him close and gently kissing the back of his neck.  “What’s so great about normal?”  He ran his tongue up and down behind John’s ear.” 

A shiver ran through John’s whole body.  “Oh god.  That feels good.  Could we just sit here like this for, oh, a couple of years?” 

Suddenly bone-weary, he yearned for nothing more at that moment than to let all his defenses down and trust someone.  Well aware of the risks, especially to his chosen career, he made a conscious choice right then to just set all that aside for now and give in to his need. 

Twisting his body halfway around, he put his arms around Jason’s waist and claimed his mouth for another scorching kiss. Jason made a throaty sound halfway between a laugh and a moan, then flipped John onto his back and covered him with his body, kissing his mouth and his closed eyelids and the hollow of his throat.  Trapped as they were in the narrow space between the sofa and the coffee table, their movements were constricted.  Jason sat back, straddling John’s hips, and shucked off his shirt.  Pushing John’s tee shirt up, he leaned down to drag his tongue across his nipples, licking roughly at the aroused nubs. 

“Get this shirt off of me,” gritted John, raising his arms over his head.  Jason obliged, peeling John’s tee shirt off and flinging it across the room, then started to work on his jeans.  Frustrated by the confining space, he encouraged John to scoot backwards on his butt and elbows, dragging his jeans and boxers and shoes and socks off of him as he moved, then sending them with a series of soft _whumps_ in the same direction as the shirt.  He crawled after John.  Now that they had more space, it was the work of a few moments to strip off the rest of his own clothes, and then they were both naked, sitting side by side on the carpet. 

 _Now what?_   John sat awkwardly, wanting to wrap himself around Jason, afraid of doing something wrong again.  Jason gave a lazy grin and pushed Johnny down onto his back, looking him up and down.  He rolled to lie beside John, head propped on one hand, and the other hand sliding across John’s chest, playing with his sensitive nipples.  His hand slipped lower, fingertips moving in feather light circles across his stomach.  John made a grab for Jason’s cock, but his hand was caught and moved back to his side. 

“Lie still, Johnny.  Let me do this, okay?” 

“Uhhh,” was the only answer he could manage, as Jason’s hand trailed lower, brushing his inner thighs, one side and then the other.  He felt the calloused fingertips barely brush up and down the length of his fully hard cock, light and gentle. 

“Ahh…jeezusssss.” 

“You like that, Johnny?” 

“Y-yeah,” he panted. 

“You want more?” 

“Y-yeah.” 

Jason bent, moving his head lower, and Johnny jerked as he felt Jason licking the underside of his cock.  His fingers continued their lazy stroking of the top.  Johnny groaned in frustration. 

“Jason.” 

No reply. 

“Jason.” 

“Mmm?” 

“Could you just…” 

“Hmm?  What’s that, Johnny?” 

“C-could you—“  He grasped Jason’s head, pulling him closer, and spoke through gritted teeth.  “Man, would you quit tickling it and just fucking suck it!” 

Jason froze, then dropped his face into Johnny’s groin and started to laugh helplessly. 

Johnny put up with it for perhaps half a minute, twining his fingers through Jason’s hair as he tried to control his breathing.  Finally he blurted, “Are you kidding me?  I’m dyin’ here.” 

Jason got control of himself, propping himself up on his arms and gazing down at Johnny.  “Okay, okay.  But you’re missing out on some of my best moves.” 

“Later.  Less talk.  More—aahhh.  That’s—oh fuck, yeah.”  He thrust upwards into Jason’s mouth, needing more, and the other man obliged by taking him all the way in, wrapping one arm around his hips to pull him closer, trailing his other hand between his cheeks.  The feel of Jason’s fingertip teasing his entrance sent Johnny over the edge.  He cried out hoarsely and curled upwards, coming into Jason’s mouth in shuddering jerks as Jason drained him dry. 

By the time his brain started working again, Jason was leaning over him, tongue moving lazily inside Johnny’s mouth.  “You taste that, Johnny?” he murmured against his lips.  “That’s how good you taste.” 

Johnny struggled to bring his breathing back under control.  “Just give me a minute and I’ll return the favor.”  He took Jason’s rock hard cock in his hand and stroked it lightly. 

“Nope.  Hands off.”            

“Huh?”            

He lay beside Johnny, his arm across his waist, and murmured in his ear.  “I want to come inside you, Johnny.  Will you let me do that?”            

Johnny shivered, a reaction both to Jason’s deep voice in his ear and what he was asking.  “Yeah, okay.  What do you want me to do?  Just turn over or something?”            

He had his eyes closed, and so didn’t see Jason’s face, but felt him go suddenly still.  “Have you ever done this before?”            

“Uh, not exactly this…that.”            

“Oh.  I guess I just thought…”            

“You thought what?  That I was a seasoned man-whore?”            

Jason gave a surprised sputter of laughter, causing Johnny to hide his face behind his raised forearm.  “That’s not what I was going to say.  Why?  Is there something you want to tell me?”            

Johnny knew Jason was only joking, but the question stung just the same.  He let his breath out in a frustrated sigh.  “No.” Jason was staring at him, his expression skeptical.”  “Look, I really don’t want to get into this now.” 

Jason’s brow furrowed.  “Get into what?” 

Johnny felt like groaning.  Why couldn’t he ever learn to just shut up?  “Okay, fine.  You heard what Jerry said.  You already know I’m no innocent.  But…crap, how do I say this?  You’re the first guy I’ve really chosen to be with.  Everything else was just necessity, or me getting into situations I couldn’t get out of.  I always drew the line, though.”            

“Johnny—“            

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”  He stared at the ceiling, regretting the suddenly soured mood.  Why was everything so damn difficult for him?             

“It’s okay, Johnny.  I’d never push you into something you didn’t want to do.”            

Johnny squeezed his eyes shut, pressing the heels of his hands against them.  The night had just started going so great, and now he had ruined it.  “I do want to, Jason,” he muttered.  “Didn’t you hear what I said?  If you’re having second thoughts, believe me, I get it.”            

“Stop doing that.  Just stop.”            

Johnny dropped his hands and opened his eyes in surprise.  “Doing what?”            

“Acting like a..a…whipped dog or something.”                 

Startled into a bitter a laugh, Johnny sat up and looked at Jason.  “Who have you been talking to?”                 

Jason wasn’t smiling anymore.  “Care to explain that one?”               

“Maybe someday.”  He held Jason’s gaze a moment longer, then had to look away.  “Nah.  Probably never.  Not a good story.”  After a long silence, he chanced another look at Jason.  Warm hazel eyes stared back, full of acceptance and infinite patience.  “Guess I know how to kill a mood, huh?”                 

“You didn’t kill it.  Just maimed it a little.”                 

They sat quietly, not quite touching, then Jason stood and offered his hand to John.  He stared up at him for a long moment, feeling his heart stutter and his breath catch almost painfully at the sight of him standing over him. His hungry gaze took in the perfection of angles and planes, the light golden fur on his chest and stomach, the still hard cock that made his mouth water.  Finally, he accepted the hand and was pulled to his feet.               

“How about a shower?” asked Jason.                   

“Sounds all right.”           

It was a tight squeeze for them both to fit into the tiny shower.  Standing pressed together, they took their time, rotating slowly under the warm water as they took turns lathering each other up and exploring the surfaces of each others’ bodies.  Johnny couldn’t stop touching Jason’s muscular ass, massaging and rubbing and running his soapy hand between the cheeks, while Jason washed Johnny’s hair and kissed his closed eyelids and his collarbone.  By the time they dried each other off and climbed into bed, Johnny was feeling nice and relaxed, if somewhat nervous about where things were likely headed.   

He yawned, stretching.  “So how come you’re not like those other guys at the academy?”               

Jason squinted over at him.  “Well, if I knew the answer to that one…”               

He chuckled.  “No, that’s not what I’m talking about.  I just mean, you’re a real nice guy.  You could have piled on the crap, like everyone else.  Been one of the guys.  So I’m asking, what makes you different?”                 

“Hmm.  Maybe I was too distracted by your hot ass and—don’t laugh—your eyelashes.”               

“What?!  Man, you’re nuts.”  Johnny shook his head, bemused.  _Eyelashes?  The guy was hot, but definitely a little kooky._                

“Yeah, well, take a close look at them sometime.  Don’t underestimate their power.  Anyway, Saunders is the one that’s egging them all on.  And the only reason Dougie keeps it up is because he’s pissed about his buddy Alan.”               

“Who’s Alan?”  Johnny had one finger to his eye, flicking at his lashes, trying to figure out what was so great about them.                 

Laughing, Jason grabbed his hand and pulled it away from his face.  “Careful.  You’re going to poke yourself in the eye.  Uh, where was I?  Oh yeah.  Saunders’ dad and mine are pretty tight.  They’re another family of firefighters, like mine.  Dougie and I used to get thrown together when we were kids.  He was a regular little nightmare.  You know the type.  Only wants to play with the toys you’re playing with, and ends up busting half of them out of spite.  My dad told me that he applied for the academy along with his buddy Alan Riley, who didn’t get accepted.  I met Alan a couple of times too.  If Dougie was the kid who broke all the toys, Alan was the dipshit who sat in a puddle of his own pee and cheered him on.  Not exactly firefighter material, in my opinion.”               

Johnny nodded.  “I think I see where this is going.  I got in, and Alan didn’t.  And Dougie thinks that’s my fault, because I don’t have the right, whadayacallit, pedigree.”               

“I forgot to tell you before, the other thing that attracted me to you was your sharp mind.”                 

“Better than my eyelashes?”               

Jason pretended to think.  “Nope.  Ass first, eyelashes second, mind third.”               

“Huh.  O-ka-ay.”                 

It was Jason’s turn to stretch, raising his arms above his head, pointing his then flexing toes.  He   relaxed against Johnny, a warm weight against his side.  “So what first attracted you to me?”               

With no hesitation, Johnny answered, “Your car.”               

“Ouch.  That’s it?”               

“Um.  Your smile.”               

“Better.  What else?”               

“Your eyes.”                

“Not the lashes?”               

Johnny shook his head slowly, suddenly serious.  “Your eyes.”  _That look you gave me when I was trying to decide whether or not to get in your car.  Like you didn’t want anything from me, and you didn’t care who I was, or what I might have done.  Nobody’s ever looked at me like that._ But he couldn’t say that out loud, so he just said, “You have really, uh, good eyes.”  He gave a little laugh and looked away.  “So, to summarize:  car, smile, eyes.”               

A hand touched the side of his face, caressing, and he closed his eyes.  “Johnny, you’re too good at hiding.  Someday, soon, I hope, you won’t feel the need anymore.  Not with me.”               

He kept his eyes resolutely shut, his body tense with a fear he couldn’t have explained.  Jason sighed, the sound filling Johnny with regret once more.  Johnny rolled into the other man, resting his face on his collarbone, and tightening his arms around his waist.  “Jason,” he whispered, “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed here.  I want to trust you, but this is—aw hell.” He raised his head and met Jason’s gaze.  “Let’s just do this.”           

Jason quirked an eyebrow at him.  “You sure?”             

“Yeah.  No.  Yeah.”  He leaned down to kiss Jason, then gave an embarrassing squeak as, for the second time that night, he was flipped expertly onto his back.             

Jason deepened the kiss, straddling Johnny’s hips and pinning his arms over his head with one hand as the other reached for the nightstand.  Not quite able to reach the drawer, he leaned as far as he could, tipping precariously.  Johnny wrapped his legs around the other man’s waist to keep him anchored, and then Jason snagged the container of lube he had been reaching for.  Johnny bit his lip, watching him..  Seeing this, Jason gave a distracted laugh.  His cock brushed Johnny’s stomach as he uncapped the tube and squeezed out a generous amount.  “Don’t worry, Johnny.  I promise you’re going to love this.  We’re gonna take it slow, to start with.  Just try to stay relaxed for me, okay?”           

He positioned Johnny’s legs on top of his thighs and smiled at him reassuringly as he worked his finger inside of him.  Johnny realized he was holding his breath and slowly let it out.  He squirmed a little and gasped at the jolt of pleasure he felt as the finger hit a sweet spot inside of him.  He felt the pressure inside him increase, and he began to move restlessly, wanting more.           

“You ready, Johnny?”           

“Yeah.  Couldn’t be more ready.”  He watched, mesmerized and anxious, as Jason slicked up his cock with more lube and positioned the head at Johnny’s entrance.  When he began to push inside, Johnny hissed at the pressure and the pain, squeezing his eyes shut.           

He anchored himself to Jason’s voice, which was murmuring in his ear.  “Breathe, Johnny.  Just breathe and relax as much as you can.  How’s that?  I’m coming in a little further.  You still okay?  All right.  You’re doin’ good.  Just a little more.  Oh, _Christ_ , Johnny, it feels so good to be inside you.  I wish you could see the view from here.  We’re just going to wait here together for a minute.  Let me know when you’re ready to go, okay?”           

Jason was buried inside him, rending him in two.  Johnny winced, stifling a groan.  He followed Jason’s quiet instructions, breathing slowly and willing himself to relax.  Pain and pleasure dissolved one into the other, and he moved tentatively, trying to feel more, to get closer.  Jason’s breath gave a small hitch.  He grasped Johnny’s hips, rubbing circles in his flesh, then strengthening his grip to hold him in place and began a slow slide, just barely moving, in and out.             

“Open your eyes, Johnny.  I want to watch your face.  God, you’re amazing.  How’s that feel?  Can I—ahh god Johnny—are you ready for me?”           

Johnny couldn’t remember any actual words at the moment, so he just nodded hazily, panting a little.  He needed to move, to meet Jason’s thrusts with his own, but he was still held in place by Jason’s powerful hands.  He groaned in frustration and grasped his lover’s wrists.           

“You’re okay, baby.  Can you lift your ass a little?  Beautiful.  I could come just looking at you.”  He increased his pace, pumping in and out of Johnny with strong, steady strokes.  One hand left Johnny’s hip and moved to the headboard to gain better leverage.  Released, Johnny met Jason’s increasingly frenzied thrusts with his own frantic movements.  “Grab your cock, Johnny,” Jason gasped.  “I’m not gonna last…I wanna see you come.  That’s it.  Stroke it.  Stay with me.”           

Reveling in the feel of Jason pounding into him, he found a steadier rhythm, fisting his own cock in time with his lover’s powerful strokes.  Then Jason was hitting that amazing spot inside him, again and again and Johnny gave a yell that he couldn’t control.  His legs fell over Jason’s shoulders and he was arching his back and coming with a force that convulsed his entire body.  His hot semen splattered across his belly as he felt Jason give one last thrust, coming all the way up on his toes and growing still for a heartbeat, before giving a low, guttural moan as he wrapped his arms around Johnny’s back and released deep inside of him.             

As he panted, still shaking, heart racing, Johnny let his legs drop down to splay on either side of Jason.  He flinched a little as the other man pulled out of him.  And then he just lay there, with a boneless Jason pressing him to the mattress.           

When he finally had his breath back he blinked lazily, touching Jason’s hair.  “Whoa,” he said, which was all he could manage at that moment.           

After a few minutes, Jason got up and returned with a damp washcloth to clean them both up.  Then he sat on the side of the bed and encouraged Johnny to roll onto his stomach.  Johnny felt his cheeks being parted, then strong hands helped him to his back again.             

“You’re gonna be a little sore,” said Jason, “but you look fine.”           

Johnny just nodded.  It would never even have occurred to him to check.  He felt Jason kiss his shoulder as he lay down next to him again.               

Johnny turned toward him.  He wanted to wrap his arms around Jason, but instead placed a hand on his shoulder and gave a small sigh, feeling suddenly shy and unsure of himself.  “So,” he said, “I guess you’ve been with a lot of guys.”               

Jason frowned, giving him a quick, sideways look.  “I know that _you_ of all people are not going to tell me you have a problem with that.”               

Stung, Johnny let go and rolled on his back.  They both stared at the ceiling, not speaking.  Finally, Johnny sighed.  “All I meant was, you’re really good at that.  Must have had a lot of practice.  Honestly, I wasn’t complaining.”               

Jason’s gaze had grown distant.  “To tell you the truth, it was only one guy.  We were together for over two years.”               

“Oh.  Huh.”  Somehow, that seemed a lot worse.  “What happened to him?”               

“He left.”               

“Oh.”               

Jason turned on his side, facing him, head propped on one hand.  “I really don’t want to talk about this.”               

And _that_ seemed worse still.  Knowing he should let the subject drop, Johnny went ahead and asked, “How did you meet him?”                 

Jason sighed and frowned.  “It’s really none of your business, Johnny.”  He was quiet for a bit, then sighed again.  “Okay, fine, if you’re really that curious.  I was working after school, pumping gas.  Yeah, I was only sixteen.  So this guy drives up in a sweet little Corvette.  He was…well, he looked amazing.  Anyway, he took one look at me and just knew.  Maybe I was staring at him a little too hard or something.”                

“Checking out his eyelashes?”               

“Shut up.”  He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling some more, looking as if he didn’t want to say anything else.               

Johnny prodded him with his foot.  “So he picks you up at the gas station.  That’s kinda hot.  Then what?”               

Jason sighed.  “It wasn’t hot.  It was confusing as hell.  I mean, I knew I had these feelings, but I never in a million years intended to act on them.  I’d spent the last couple of years filled with guilt and pretty much hating myself, figuring I was some kind of freak.  And then this guy comes along and just cuts right through all that.”  He shook his head, a tiny smile playing around his mouth.               

“So who was he?”                

“He was a law student.  David.  He was almost ten years older than I was, and that in itself probably should have set off a few alarms in my head.  He was so smooth, though.  A real manipulator.  He had an apartment off campus.  And there I was, sixteen, confused, and horny as hell.  Man, he had me so tied up in knots.  I think I would have done anything for him.”                

 _Did you love him?_   He wanted to ask, but was afraid to hear the answer.  _None of your business, Gage_.  So instead, he said, “He left you, though.  Why?”               

“After he graduated and passed the bar, he got a job in New York.  I had just graduated from high school, and I was so sure he would ask me to go with him.”               

“He didn’t.”               

“No.  He packed up and left so fast—I think if I hadn’t happened to drop by his apartment his last day in LA, he would have left without even saying goodbye.”               

He had turned on his side, away from Johnny, so Johnny moved up behind him and put his arms around him, resting his chin by his ear.  “He sounds like a jerk.”  Not getting a response, he tightened his hold and gave Jason a small shake.  “Hey.  I guess I should thank him though, because he sure taught you a lot of good stuff.”  This produced a smile, which he felt more than saw.  As the silence stretched out, Johnny found himself wishing he had never pressed for details.  “Do you miss him?” he finally asked.           

Jason was quiet for just a little too long.  Then he turned his head and smiled.  “Nah.  That’s all done with.  Let’s get some sleep, okay?”           

Johnny tightened his arms around his lover and nodded.  “Okay, sure.”  After a couple of minutes he said, “Hey, Jason?”           

“Mmph,” said the other man.           

“I’m glad I got in your car.”           

“Me too.” 

  


* * *


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years before becoming a paramedic, as John Gage is struggling to put his past behind him and build a new life, he catches the eye of a fellow trainee at the fire academy.

>

The final two weeks at the academy passed quickly.  Johnny had moved his few possessions into Jason’s apartment, having retrieved them from a locker at the bus station.  They drove to and from classes together, but did not sit together or speak to one another while they were there.  Johnny kept as clear of Doug Saunders as he could.  Following Jason’s advice, he began a tentative campaign to win over some of the other recruits.  He found that by deflecting their barbs with self-deprecating humor, he earned some good-natured chuckles, and a few surprised, assessing glances.  Although Jason kept up his silence, Johnny could almost feel his approval, and it warmed him more that he cared to admit. 

After graduation, it was a few weeks before they found out where they would be going.  Both men were happy with their assignments.  One of Jason’s cousins was the engineer at 99’s, and between that and the solid reputation of the rest of his family, his probationary period started off smoothly.  To be sure, he received the normal “boot” treatment from his shift mates, but he had known what to expect, and took it all with good humor.                 

Johnny’s start at 54’s was rockier.  This was a much bigger station than Jason’s, and Johnny’s heart sank a little when he arrived on his first day to discover that Doug Saunders had also been assigned there.  At first, he envisioned a replay of his experience at the academy, but it soon became clear that Saunders’ attacks wouldn’t be taken up by the experienced firefighters of 54’s.  Saunders was only a boot, after all, and was there to prove himself and learn, just like Johnny.         

Johnny rapidly grew comfortable with the routine of the station, but was initially nervous, almost to the point of being ill, about the prospect of going out on actual runs.  After working a few structure fires, however, his confidence grew, and he knew he could do the job.  More surprisingly, he discovered he really enjoyed the work. 

After he had been there for a month, Captain Smithson pulled Johnny into his office just before the end of their shift to tell him he was doing a good job.  The young probie was still digesting that unexpected morsel of praise, and almost missed what Smithson said next.               

“Did you hear me, Gage?”               

“Cap?”               

Smithson gave a sigh and fixed him with a fierce glare.  “I hope this is the last time you make me repeat myself, Gage.”               

“Sorry, sir.”               

“Sit down for a minute.  Look, you and Saunders started at the same time.  What do you think of him?”               

“Me?  What do I think of him?”  He knew he sounded like an idiot, but at that moment he couldn’t come up with a response which wouldn’t earn him a reprimand.               

Smithson sighed again.  “Gage, I’m perfectly aware that Saunders can be kind of an insensitive jerk, and I hear he’s been riding you pretty hard.  You seem to have a pretty thick skin, though, and I respect that.  So, I know any opinions you share right now will be based solely on his abilities as a firefighter.”               

“Uh, well…”               

“Just tell me what you’re thinking, Gage.  This conversation is just between the two of us.”               

Johnny suddenly realized that this was not just about Saunders.  He was also being tested in some way.  _Just tell him the truth, Gage._ “He knows what he’s supposed to be doing, but sometimes he likes to cut corners.  He, uh, he lets his, uh, personal issues get in the way of doing a good job.  Sometimes.”               

“Hmm.  What would you do if you were me?”               

“Do?”  He could see Captain Smithson growing impatient, so he plowed ahead.  “I’d have a talk with him.  Keep an eye on him.  Help him to do a better job.”               

Smithson smiled blandly.  “Good answer.  That’s exactly what I would like you to do.”               

Johnny gaped at him.  “Me?”  It came out as a strangled squeak.          

“You.  Our shift ended about ten minutes ago, so I expect you to start helping Saunders out next shift.  That’s it, Gage.  You can go.”  When Johnny made no move to leave, Smithson gestured toward the door.  “Gage.  Shoo!”               

With that, he fled to the locker room.  Most of his shift mates were already dressed and gone, including Saunders.  Relieved that he didn’t have to worry about the captain’s assignment for a couple of days, he got changed and went to catch his bus.  Because of the way their shifts fell, with Johnny working B shift and Jason on C shift, he had been getting rides to work at the beginning of his shifts, but still had to rely on the bus to get home.  Now, having received a few paychecks, and after paying for his half of the apartment and expenses, he had saved enough money to go shopping for a car.   

Two bus transfers took him to a stretch of road lined with used car lots.  After walking up one side of the street and down the other, he was starting to get discouraged, thinking that maybe he would have to save up a little longer.  Just as he was going to give up and go home, his gaze was caught by a small pickup with a camper on the back.  The price was just over his budget, but he knew how to play the game, and talked the salesman down a couple of hundred dollars by pointing out the sprung seats, ripped upholstery, and the sour smell of mildew inside the camper.  He had noticed, but didn’t bring up, the strong sounding engine and lack of rust on the body.   

Half an hour later, he drove the camper off the lot, pleased with his purchase, but at the same time feeling oddly guilty and wondering what Jason would think.  After being virtually homeless for nearly two years, it was deeply satisfying to now possess, free and clear, a safety net of sorts.  If worse came to worst, he reasoned, either with Jason or the department, he could always live in the camper. 

Jason would see right through him.  He always did, and he would be hurt by the idea that Johnny felt he needed that safety net.  Not that he would show it.  But Johnny had learned to see through him pretty well too.  He grinned as he drove home, thinking how well their personalities complemented one another, and also marveling at how quickly he had gotten used to the idea of “home” as a place to race back to, and not a place to be avoided at all costs.   

Sometimes it made him uneasy to realize how entangled his life and thoughts had become with Jason, and how quickly it had happened.  At those times, he couldn’t decide which would hurt worse, losing Jason, or keeping Jason at the cost of a career which he had already grown to love.  He knew they were playing a dangerous game, even if Jason didn’t see it that way.  Johnny couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Jason, of being apart from the man who he had come to crave like oxygen.  The man who, if he dared to admit it, he had come to love.  He could only hope that their private life remained hidden. 

He spent the rest of that day cleaning out the inside of the camper and tuning up the engine.  After that, just like every night when Jason was working, he made himself some dinner and stayed up watching television until all the stations signed off for the night.  He lay in bed, listening to the occasional car accelerate up the street, or sirens racing by in the distance. Finally, around three in the morning he drifted off, only to wake up gasping and shuddering less than an hour later, fighting his way free of the dark dream which filled him with terror, but which he could not remember upon waking.  He got up and stood under the shower for ten minutes, until, relaxed once again, he dried off and went back to bed.   

A few hours later, he woke to the feel of a warm body at his back and smiled, turning to greet his lover.   

Jason gave him a quick kiss.  “Any luck with the car hunting?” 

“Yep.  Not quite what I was looking for, but it’ll come in real handy for long trips.” 

Jason’s eyes narrowed.  “The camper out front?” 

“It’s great, isn’t it?” 

Jason sat up, running a hand through his hair.  “I guess.  If that’s the best you could find.”  He gave Johnny a level look, then shrugged.  “If you’re happy with it…” 

“Well, not as happy as I am with you,” he said, pulling himself up to sit beside Jason, kissing his shoulder through his tee shirt. 

“What was that?  What did I just hear?” 

“Huh?” 

“I thought I just heard you say you’re happy.” 

Johnny scrunched up his face in confusion.  “Yeah?  So?” 

“I do believe I’m actually making progress with you.”   

“Progress?” 

Jason leaned against the headboard and grinned.  “The John Gage Project is coming along nicely.” 

Johnny laughed a little uncertainly.  “You’re nuts.” 

“See?  Now that right there is what I’m talking about.  When I first abducted you a couple of months ago—“ 

“You did _not_ abduct me.” 

“When I first abducted you, snatched you right off the street, you had no sense of humor to speak of.” 

“Aww, I did so.” 

“And now here you are, talking about actually being—what was that again?—happy.  There might just be hope for you after all.” 

“Well, don’t blame me.  It’s all your fault.  I was perfectly happy being unhappy.” 

“That made absolutely no sense.” 

“Not to you, maybe.  Cuz you’re the type of guy who can be unhappy being happy.” 

“Ouch.  You’re hurting my brain, Gage.” 

“That’s Fireman Gage to you.” 

Jason grabbed his head and pulled him close, speaking in his ear, so that Johnny felt his voice vibrate through his whole body.  “I love you, Johnny.” 

Johnny froze, heart thudding.  _Just say the words.  Just tell him.  Say it._  He turned his head and kissed Jason gently, striving to communicate with his actions the words he was unable to say out loud.  “Why are you still dressed?” he asked, reaching for the hem of Jason’s tee shirt. 

Jason’s hands clamped over his wrists, stopping him.  “Johnny.  Did you hear what I said?” 

Johnny couldn’t meet that intense hazel gaze.  “Yeah.” 

Silence.  Johnny heard a car door slam beneath the window and flinched. “Johnny, relax.” 

Jason gave a weak smile which didn’t reach his eyes.  He moved away from Johnny, leaving a couple of inches between them.  “I’m not asking anything from you that you’re not ready for yet.  I only hope someday you get there.”  He turned his head to look at Johnny.  “I’d just like to know who the hell it was that damaged you so much.” 

Johnny frowned.  _And he wants me to relax?  Yeah, right._ “I don’t know what to tell you.  I don’t see myself as damaged.  Yeah, maybe my life pretty much sucked for a while, but that’s in the past now.  I’m okay now.  I’m happy.  I am.”                 

“Maybe.  But I hear you when you’re asleep.  I think whatever happened, you’re still carrying it inside of you.”               

“So?  So what?  They’re only dreams.  They don’t mean anything.”               

“What is it that you dream about?”               

Johnny scrubbed a hand through his hair in frustration.  “Different things.  Who cares?”               

Jason was staring at him, brows furrowed.  “Don’t be stupid, Johnny.  I care.  So tell me one.  One dream.  Or one story about you when you were a kid.  You’ve gotta share with someone.”               

Johnny swung his legs over the edge of the bed, sitting with his back to Jason.  He couldn’t take that staring any longer.  “Sorry, man.  My stories aren’t like yours.  Don’t you get it?”  He felt Jason’s knuckles on the small of his back, trying to rub away his tension.  He moved away, breaking the contact and heard Jason sigh.               

“Well, how about your parents?  What were they like?”               

 _Great.  They were great._   “What does it matter?  My mom died when I was seven.  My dad dumped me off on the reservation with my aunt and uncle and cousins and took off.  I don’t know where he is.  Might be dead for all I know.”  He expected Jason to give up after that, but he kept at him.               

“Okay.  Wow.  I’m sorry, babe.  So what about your uncle?  What was he like?”               

“ _Come on, John.  You know what you need to do.  I’ve still got my belt right here if you need another reminder.  Get over here now and put that smart little mouth of yours to good use.  We’ve got all day together.  You want to eat tonight?  Then do it just like I taught you.  That’s right.  That’s a good boy…”_                

“My uncle?  Uh…I don’t know.  Not a good story.”               

“Well, what about your cousins?  Did you get along with them?”               

“ _You guys seen Mickey and George?”_

 _“Those two kittens old Ben gave you?  What did he give them to you for anyway?  Those sure are stupid names.”_   


_“He just gave them to me, okay?  You seen them?”_   


_James and Charles Jr. exchanged a sly look.  It was James that answered this time.  “I think I might of seen some kittens out on the pond.  You better hurry it up though.  That ice ain’t too thick.”_   


_John took off running, sick dread filling him.  He had crawled halfway across the ice toward the pitifully mewling kittens before he realized that something held them in place.  Closer, reaching toward them as the ice cracked, he slid into the frigid water, and watched them slide in too, still reaching for them but missing, as the brick tied to their broken back legs sent them straight to the bottom of the pond._                

“Jason.  I’m not doing this.”               

 “Yeah, I know.  Not a good story.  Come on, Johnny.  You’ve got to have at least one story you can share with me.  One good memory.  You’ve heard all about my family, and all the shit I got into when I was a kid.”               

He could tell that Jason wasn’t going to let it go, so he closed his eyes, searching for something he could tell him.  “Okay.  Okay, I think I’ve got one.  I was fourteen, right?  They sent me to stay with my other uncle—Uncle Rick, my mom’s brother.”               

“Who sent you?  Why?”               

“Look, it doesn’t matter.  Anyway, he had this ranch, about an hour from the reservation.  Not anything huge, but he made a good living raising horse and cattle.  He couldn’t stand my dad—told me that all the time—but I was free labor for him, so he put up with me.  I liked the work, but I didn’t get along with most of the other guys.  Anyway, the foreman’s daughter, Elise—“               

“The foreman’s daughter?  Oh, this is sounding smutty already.”                 

Johnny gave a small laugh.  “Well, not right away.  She was real nice to me.  We talked a lot and she let me borrow her books and stuff.  She was a couple of years older than me.  I think at first she saw me sort of as a younger brother.  She was kind of lonely too, because it was mostly guys out there, and someone was always pestering her.  I think she probably slept with a few of the hands.   

“So, around the time I turned sixteen, she started looking at me different.  I, on the other hand, was checking out some of the guys, and wasn’t paying any attention to her, not in that way.  When Elise jumped me in the field behind the main stables, I just sort of went with the flow.  Oh, man, was that ever awkward.  We didn’t really do anything, just some, um, you know, exploring, but for the first time I could remember, I started to believe maybe I could be normal, a regular guy doing what regular guys do.  Not for long, but it was kind of nice while it lasted.”   

He stopped talking, suddenly remembering the rest of it.  How they had been discovered, still half undressed, and how Elise’s father had been summoned.  Not a good story.  Definitely not good.  But he left that part out, hoping that Jason would be satisfied.  He seemed to be, for a time.  The silence stretched a little longer, and then Johnny turned and lay down on the bed again. 

“And then?” asked Jason. 

“Then?  Oh, well, pretty soon after that I left and came to LA.  I talked my uncle into giving me bus fare, and I came out to live with my aunt—my mom’s sister.” 

“Did you like her?”

 _“John Gage, just because your father was worthless trash, that doesn’t mean you have to behave the way you do.  I swear, if you get into one more fight…I don’t know why you’re so angry all the time.  I’m really trying, here, for my sister’s sake.  But I don’t know how much more of this I can take.  It’s only two more months until you graduate.  Please just try to stay out of trouble until then.  After that, you’re on your own.  Are you even listening to me?”_  

“She took me in.  Made sure I graduated.  That’s about it.  I haven’t seen her for a while.”             

“Not a good story?”               

“Huh?  No, that one’s not so bad.  She did the best she could.  I gave her a pretty hard time.”               

“But you haven’t seen her?  So you would rather deal with some guy like Jerry than ask her for help?”               

Johnny shrugged.  “She didn’t need my problems.  I can take care of myself.”               

Jason stared at him, his expression unreadable.  “You never had anyone to take care of you, Johnny?”               

“Not in the way you mean.  Not since my mom.  Look, can we talk about something else?  Please?”  He held Jason’s unblinking gaze, and grew annoyed.  “My family, what there is of it, isn’t so great.  Is that your point?  Well I’m sorry, but we can’t all grow up with, with, perfect, suburban…blonde little family units like yours.”               

Jason grimaced, finally looking away.  “I never said my family was perfect.”               

“Yeah?  You just accused me of not having any good stories to tell.  Maybe that’s true, or maybe I just can’t think of any more right this minute.  But I bet you can’t come up with one really bad story about your childhood, or even about your life up until now.  And I’m not talking about how you missed dessert once because you …you…forgot to blow your nose or something.  How about it?  Can you tell me one miserable thing that’s happened in your life?”                 

Jason’s eyes closed for a moment, and then opened as he shot a sideways glance at Johnny.  “This morning is shaping up to be pretty miserable….All right, sorry, that wasn’t fair.”  He was quiet for so long that Johnny began to wish he could take back his challenge.  When Jason spoke again, he sounded tired.  “Believe it or not, I have plenty to choose from.  The worst was probably the time I tried to tell my father I didn’t want to be a firefighter.”               

Johnny felt his mouth drop open a little.  “Not want to—you?  I don’t believe it!”               

“Believe it or not,” he repeated.  His quick smile didn’t last.  “It was right after David left.  I wanted so badly to follow him to New York, whether he wanted me there or not.  Convinced myself I could make it as an actor there.  Never mind that I can’t act worth shit.  I was feeling kind of desperate.  I had just graduated from high school and my father wanted to know how soon I planned to apply for the academy.  I don’t think he was rushing me, just checking in with me.  So I open my mouth and tell him my big plans.  No mention of David, of course.  I’m not _that_ stupid.”   

He shook his head, remembering.  “That’s one of the few times I’ve been really afraid of my father.  I mean, pee-my-pants scared.  He was right in my face, veins bulging in his neck.  And, bless his heart, he didn’t know, _doesn’t know_ , about me, but he was screaming his head off about how no son of his was gonna be a fag actor.  Then, he didn’t hit me, exactly, but gave me a good hard shove that put me on my ass and kind of shocked the anger out of him.  Bruised up my elbow good and sprained my wrist.  So…here I am.”             

 _Here you are.  With me.  Not with David, the guy you want to be with._   The pain was so acute for a moment that Johnny couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe.  He was impaled on the mattress.  Then air rushed into his lungs so fast he was almost surprised he didn’t sob from it.  He swung his legs over the bed and rose to his feet and was across the room at the dresser, pulling on a pair of jeans and digging for a tee shirt before his next gulping breath.                 

“Johnny?” he heard Jason say, voice laced with uncertainty.               

He had made it to the living room, and was at the front door, hopping around trying to jam his feet into his sneakers when Jason caught up with him.               

“Babe, what’s wrong?  Where are you going?  Johnny?”               

“I, uh, I gotta get out of here.”               

“Wait.  Come on, man.  Talk to me.”               

Johnny grabbed the knob and had the door pulled halfway open when Jason shot past him and jammed his shoulder against the door, slamming it shut.  He stood with his back to the door, facing Johnny, his face inches away.               

“What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?”  He gave Johnny’s shoulder an angry shove.  “You’re just going to walk out after I spill my guts like that?”               

Johnny tried to reach around him for the door knob.  This time Jason used both palms with a bit more force to send him stumbling backwards into the room.               

“Jason—“he warned, his jaw clenched.                 

“You’re not going anywhere until you talk to me.”               

“All we’ve been doing is talking.  I’m sick of it.”       

“Really, Johnny?  Well that’s good to know.”  Jason had a hold of Johnny’s arm and was dragging him back into the bedroom.  “I’m sick of it too.  I think it’s time to stop all the pointless talk while I show you what I’m thinking.” 

A rough, two-handed shove sent Johnny backwards again.  He landed on the bed with a soft bounce.         

“Jason, what the fuck—“       

“Shut up.”  Jason was straddling his legs, unfastening Johnny’s jeans and yanking them down, his expression tense and distant.         

Shocked, Johnny stared up at him, frozen, then moved belatedly, trying to squirm out from under him.   Too quick for Johnny to react, Jason grabbed his shoulders and flipped him onto his stomach, planting a knee in the small of his back and using one hand to trap both of his arms over his head.  Johnny struggled to free himself, but Jason was stronger and heavier and had him effectively immobilized as he used his free hand to release himself from his own jeans.  Johnny felt Jason’s fully hard cock rest heavily against his back, as a pillow was shoved underneath his hips.  Jason’s breath rasped in his ear, and his erection pressed at his entrance.       

“Jason?” Johnny said, both a question and a plea.  “Come on, man.  This is nuts.  You’re not—AAAHH FUCK!”  Pain and disbelief.  He hands clenched ineffectually where they were pinned.  He groaned at Jason’s rough assault on his ass.  _God damn.  FUCK that hurts._   He tried to force himself to relax.  Jason’s knee had left his back and he was straddling Johnny as he pounded into him.  Both hands clutched Johnny’s hips.  His own hands now free, Johnny  shoved an elbow backwards and felt it connect, although somewhat weakly, with Jason’s ribs.  Immediately a hand gripped the back of his neck, forcing his face into the mattress.       

A harsh voice grunted in his ear in time to the thrusts.  “Hold.  Still.  Or this.  Gets.  Worse.”       

He swallowed a sob and squeezed his eyes shut, humiliated and just willing for it to be over.  Worse than the physical pain being inflicted was the shattering of the fragile happiness he had just begun to take for granted.  The pummeling seemed to go on forever, but it was probably only a minute or two more before Jason gave a few more violent thrusts and came with a shout before collapsing on top of him.       

Stunned, Johnny lay pinned underneath the other man, Jason’s harsh breathing hot against his ear, softening cock still seated inside him.  He opened his eyes and stared dully at the rumpled covers which were all that he could see.  He felt paralyzed.  If he didn’t move, didn’t acknowledge what had just happened, maybe it didn’t happen.  He desperately wanted for it not to have happened.   

Then Jason stirred and Johnny hissed as he felt him pull out and roll away.  Cooling semen trickled down the inside of his thighs.  Johnny gave an involuntary shudder, but did not move otherwise.  After a time, he heard a soft sigh, then the mattress moved down then up.  Moments later, Johnny jumped a little at the feel of a warm washcloth carefully cleaning him.  It wasn’t until he felt Jason’s hands pulling his cheeks apart to check for damage that his stupor evaporated and he pulled away, sitting jerkily and throwing his legs over the side of the bed.  Numbly, he noticed that his jeans and boxers were bunched around his calves and one of his sneakers hung off his foot, slightly askew.  He stood, hurriedly covering himself, then leaned over to work his shoe back on.       

“Johnny—“         

He squeezed his eyes shut at as he heard the regret in Jason’s hesitant voice.  Forcing a short laugh through stiff lips, he turned halfway around, looking over Jason’s head.  “That was…interesting.”       

“God, Johnny.  I’m sorry.  I don’t know—“       

“Okay with you if I leave now?”  He waited, not really expecting an answer.         

Jason stood.  “Please don’t.  Just wait.”       

Johnny strode out of the room, shaking off Jason’s hand when he reached for him on his way past.  In the living room, he snagged his other sneaker from the floor and grabbed his wallet and keys from the table near the door.  As he reached for the door knob he heard Jason’s voice again, and glanced back to see him leaning against the bedroom doorway, his hands jammed in his pockets. 

“You coming back?” 

He sighed, considering the question.  His stomach clenched at the remorseful look on Jason’s face.  “Yeah.  Probably.”  Then he was out the door, shutting it gently behind him.

 

Johnny drove aimlessly for a while, ending up at the beach.  Perched on a retaining wall, he watched a handful of surfers trying out meager waves underneath an overcast sky.  After a bit, he sank down to the sand and lay on his back, draping one arm across his eyes to block out the hazy sunlight trying to break through the clouds. 

 _What the hell happened back there?  One minute he’s telling me he loves me and then…that.  What now?_ He already knew the answer to that question, but he allowed it to torture him for the next hour as he lay there, wishing he could just walk away for good with his dignity intact.  Not that there had been anything dignified about being manhandled and slammed into the bed by his lover.   

Since they had been together, he and Jason had had plenty of energetic, enthusiastic sex, some of which had bordered on rough.  This, though, this had crossed the line.  Hadn’t it?  The more he thought about it, the less sure he was.  Maybe he had overreacted, misread the whole thing.   Eventually he was forced to conclude what he had known all along, that he simply wasn’t ready to walk away, so he stood up, wincing at the pain, climbed back in the camper and drove home.   

Jason was sleeping when he got back.  Johnny stood in the doorway watching him, studying the handsome face which was relaxed except for a small crease between his brows, and listening to the faint snores.  Slowly, filled with sorrow and longing, he undressed and slid behind his lover, wrapping his arms around him, holding him close as he woke up. 

Jason turned his head, his hazel eyes dark with relief.       

“You came back,” he murmured, voice hoarse with sleep.       

“Yeah.”       

“Johnny, I am so sorry—“       

“I know.”       

“I guess I went a little nuts.”       

“I guess so.”       

“I’ve been thinking about it and—“       

“Jason.  Can we talk about it later?”       

He felt Jason’s deeply indrawn breath, heard the shaky release.  “Okay.  Just…stick with me.  Don’t leave me, okay?”       

Johnny didn’t say anything, just tightened his hold.  


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years before becoming a paramedic, as John Gage is struggling to put his past behind him and build a new life, he catches the eye of a fellow trainee at the fire academy.

After that, by unspoken agreement, Johnny and Jason left the past alone.  Both men did their best to focus on the present.  Jason stopped trying to probe for details about Johnny’s childhood, and Johnny didn’t mention David, although he couldn’t stop thinking about him, and wondering exactly how much Jason missed him.  For a week or so, Johnny was on edge, nervously watching Jason for any sign of another blowup, but the kind, patient, funny  Jason had returned.  At times, it seemed to Johnny as if they were both trying too hard, but he figured that if pretending to be happy was the best they could manage, it would have to suffice for now.            

Johnny relished the time they could spend together.  He craved the feel of Jason’s body next to him, the feel of his lips on him, of Jason moving inside of him.  When he was home alone, insomnia plagued him as he waited for his lover to come home.   At the same time, he felt a distance growing between them.  The physical intensity never diminished, but their conversations had settled into either surface politeness or dwindled to outright silence. 

Johnny’s insecurities ate at him, and he was constantly besieged by worries about what Jason really thought of him.  His life up to this point had been a series of disappointments and betrayals, and until he had met Jason, he had stopped expecting anything different.  For a brief time, he had let himself believe that for once he had met someone he could trust completely.  That hope had eroded a little, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave, not yet.            

As the weeks passed, his self doubts were joined by a growing fear of discovery.  Some of the guys from the station had been nagging him about going out to breakfast, or to shoot some pool, or to catch a movie.  Johnny’s excuses were beginning to sound weak, even to him.  Logically, he knew there could be no harm in accepting their offers, but the thought of his work life intersecting with his personal life in even this innocent way had him fretting that he would slip up in some way.  When it was suggested that some of the guys come over to Johnny’s place to watch a ball game, he begged off again, but began to consider the idea that maybe it was time to find his own place.            

When he tried, on several occasions, to discuss the idea with Jason, he found the subject changed abruptly, or Jason suddenly remembering an errand he had to run.  Most often, Johnny was distracted by Jason’s hands or mouth and forgot what he had been trying to say as heat flared between them once again.  The one time he managed to advance the discussion far enough to tell Jason what he was thinking, he was met with near panic from his lover, and pleas and promises.  Finally, as he sensed Jason begin to grow angry, he quickly dropped the subject.  After that, he didn’t bring it up again, but quietly began to check the newspaper ads and to save his money for a deposit.  He told himself that he wasn’t breaking things off with Jason, just exercising a perfectly justifiable caution.             

Although he had never said the words, and wasn’t sure if he ever would, he did love Jason.  His job had begun to mean almost as much to him, and he didn’t want to jeopardize it.  He had convinced himself that he could arrange things so that he could have both.              

 

Johnny hadn’t forgotten the talk he had had with Captain Smithson about Doug Saunders.  He never seemed to find the right time to talk to him, however.  A few weeks after that talk, when Smithson asked him how Doug was doing, Johnny was forced to admit that he had yet to say anything to him, but promised that he would do so before the end of the current shift.            

With that in mind, after they had eaten dinner and his shift mates had drifted off to find ways to occupy themselves during what was shaping up to be a quiet evening, Johnny tracked Saunders down outside the station where he was leaning against the wall, watching a few of the other guys shooting baskets. 

Saunders threw Johnny a surprised look as Johnny came to stand beside him.  Neither spoke for a few minutes, but after a particularly difficult shot trickled through the hoop, they both gave an enthusiastic shout in near unison.  Johnny laughed nervously.  Saunders glanced his way with an annoyed look.            

Johnny cleared his throat.  “Hey.  How’s it going, Saunders?”            

There was no immediate response from the other man, and an uncomfortable silence stretched between them.  Finally, Saunders rolled his shoulders as if trying to shed his tension.  His gaze cut towards John and then back to the two-on-two contest.  “You want something, Gage?”            

“Nope.  Well, maybe.  Yeah.”            

Saunders turned to glare at him.  “Want to choose one and try again?”            

Johnny sighed.  “I just mean, we’re both still pretty new at this and I thought maybe we could help each other out.”            

“You need help?”            

“Well, no.”            

“You saying I need help?”            

“Okay, now, this isn’t—you’re not—“  Johnny stopped, having no idea how to continue.  He wanted nothing more than to walk away before the conversation became any more awkward.  Then he remembered Smithson’s “suggestion” and knew he had to at least try.  He turned towards Saunders, leaning one shoulder against the wall.  “No offense, Saunders, but it just seems to me like you’ve been struggling a little.”  He winced, almost expecting to have to dodge a punch, but Saunders just kept watching the game.  “I mean—and this is just my own observation—at times I’ve noticed that you tend to sort of forget our training, cut corners, ignore protocol, things like that.”  He stopped, not sure if he should push further.            

After nearly a minute of silence, Saunders gave a small shrug.  “What if I do?  We’ve always got you and your kind to pick up the slack.”            

Johnny gaped at him.  “My kind?  And just what is that supposed to mean?”  His voice had started to rise, and a couple of the players sent curious glances his way but kept playing.  He took a couple of steadying breaths and continued in a quieter voice.  “Isn’t this all getting just a little old, Saunders?  You’ve had a problem with me since the academy.  What’s the matter?  I’m not white enough for you?”            

Now it was Saunders’ turn to stare at Johnny, his mouth slightly open.  “What are you talking about?”            

Johnny was starting to get confused.  “I’m talking about me being half Indian.”            

Saunders scowled.  “Why would I give a shit about that?”            

Johnny’s stomach gave a queasy roll as he began to consider another possibility.  He definitely did not want to continue the conversation, but still, he had to know.  “You said something about me and my kind. Care to explain that?”            

“I mean,” said Saunders, moving his face to within inches of Johnny’s, his pale blue eyes filled with anger, “that you’re such a fucking boy scout.  Always prepared.  Always got the right answer.  Always first to volunteer, and you never make one god damn mistake.  Christ, Gage, why don’t you give the rest of us a break?  Quit trying to make us look bad.”  He spun and stalked inside, letting the door slam behind him.            

Johnny blinked.  _Boy scout?_   He nearly laughed out loud.  _Man, if Saunders only knew_.  He did laugh then, shaking his head and ignoring the stares of the ball players as he slowly followed Saunders inside.                            

 

About a week later, B shift at Station 54 was finishing up what had been a loud and leisurely lunch, with half the room debating the Dodgers’ chances that year, and a smaller group clustered around Stan O’Hara, one of the rescue men at 54’s, sharing their favorite hiking and fishing spots with Johnny.  He had mentioned the desire to take his camper out of the city for a couple of days. 

Having spent all his free time and a fair amount of money over the last couple of weeks sprucing up the interior, and fitting it out with a comfortable mattress and camping gear, he was eager to try it out.  Mindful of his budget, he had scoured secondhand and surplus stores, and while the cooking gear and packs and sleeping bags might have been considered a bit rustic by some, they would serve until he could afford something better.  Of course, he didn’t mention to his shift mates that he was hoping that he could take Jason with him, if they could ever swing more than one day off together.                

“So,” said Stan, “you got some cute babe lined up to take with you?  You know nothing gets the chicks hot like a night in the woods.”                

He was saved from having to answer as a long series of tones began to sound, calling them to what sounded like a large structure fire.  When they arrived, one engine crew was already there, dragging hoses into a fully involved older four-story brick building which housed several small shops on the ground floor and offices on the upper floors. 

Within minutes, Johnny and Stan were manning a charged hose, battling the flames near the back stairs next to a rare coin shop.  The HT crackled behind Johnny, and Stan deftly steadied the hose one-handed as he responded to the transmission from Captain Smithson. 

“HT 54, go ahead.” 

“O’Hara, Saunders is on his way to take over.  We’ve got an office worker trapped on four.  Room 421.  Get up there, and make it quick, Stan.” 

“10-4.” 

Stan and Johnny looked around to see Saunders jogging up.  He changed places with Stan, who raced up the stairs.  Johnny continued the circular motion with the hose, trying to gain control of the flames which danced along the walls of the hallway.  For a minute or two, they seemed to be making some headway.  Suddenly, the hose bucked behind him, and Johnny turned his head to find nobody there.  Struggling to control the hose, he was thrown toward the flames, stumbling to one knee. 

“Shit,” he muttered, as searing heat enveloped his lower left leg, and he glanced down to see flames wrapping around his turnouts.  Dropping the hose to beat at the flames with his gloved hands, he was dimly aware of the now out of control hose snaking and jerking around the narrow hallway.  “Saunders!” he yelled, his voice muffled by his SCBA mask.  He grimaced as pain flared in his calf, and worked with renewed energy to smother the flames.  Just then, the metal nozzle of the hose swung towards him.  He made a lunge for the hose and was thrust sideways, striking his shoulder hard on one of the thick wooden support posts in the hallway.  He bounced once and fell on his ass, managing to wrestle the hose into submission and effectively extinguish the small flame still flickering on the calf of his turnouts as he scooted backwards. 

The hose suddenly steadied behind him and he was able to direct the stream back in the right direction.  A quick glance over his shoulder showed an unfamiliar fireman from one of the other stations.  Working together, they rapidly brought the flames under control.  Saunders reappeared, and Johnny glared at him.  The fireman who was assisting him tapped Johnny on the shoulder, causing him to flinch. 

“Go get yourself checked out,” the other man advised.  “We’ll finish up here.” 

Johnny traded off with Saunders, wanting to confront him, but knew it would have to wait until they got back to the station.  Limping past the rare coin shop, he noticed that the door to the store had been busted in.  Frowning, he went looking for Captain Smithson.  He saw him by the engine, talking to Stan, who was squatting next to a middle-aged man, administering oxygen.  Johnny pulled his mask off as he approached, wincing as the pain in his calf seemed to swell, sending shooting pains up his entire leg. 

“Cap,” he said, wanting to tell him what he suspected about Saunders and the coin shop.  The next thing he knew, his knee smacked the pavement hard as his leg buckled underneath him.  His vision grayed and he hissed at the pain. 

Then Stan knelt beside him, helping him off with his SCBA and carefully pushing his turnouts up to look at his leg.  “Take it easy,” he said, “just lie back.  Geez, I leave you alone for a couple of minutes….Cap says you need to get checked out at Rampart.  You can ride in with this guy.”  He jerked a thumb at the middle-aged victim who lay groaning softly under the oxygen mask.  Stan lowered his voice.  “Personally, I think he was passed out drunk when I found him, but I guess the doctors can say for sure.  So what happened in there, Gage?  Or maybe I just ask how did Saunders manage to screw up this time?” 

Johnny shook his head.  “I think I need to talk to Cap.  You’re not gonna believe this one.” 

Stan stood up, offering the younger man his hand.  “It will have to wait,” he said, helping Johnny to his feet.  “Ambulance is here.  Whoa, steady, there,” he said. 

Johnny gave a small grunt at the pain in his shoulder as Stan grasped him under his arm to keep him from tipping over as his leg threatened to give out again.  The attendants lifted the office worker onto the gurney and into the ambulance, then Stan helped Johnny climb in behind.  “Better have them take a look at your shoulder, too,” he said. 

As Johnny sat on the bench seat, stretching his leg out in a fruitless effort to get comfortable, he thought ahead with a mild sense of dread to the confrontation which was bound to follow his talk with Captain Smithson.  Saunders would likely deny everything, and somehow end up turning the blame back on Johnny.  The more he thought about it, the angrier he became.  Regardless of how Saunders might feel about Johnny personally, to abandon him like that in the middle of a fire was unforgiveable.  And to break into that store…he found himself hoping that Saunders was kicked out for this. 

By the time the ambulance pulled up to the hospital, Johnny had worked himself up into a seething fury.  After the victim was unloaded, he stomped into the ER, scowling, ignoring for the moment the hot pain in his leg. 

Apparently he was expected.  A dark-haired doctor met him halfway to the nurse’s station and placed a hand on his arm.  “You Gage?” he asked. 

Johnny yanked his arm away, aggravating his injured shoulder, and aggravating his temper as well.  “Geez, Doc,” he fumed, “what was your first clue?  Look, I don’t know what I’m doing here.  I’m fine, and I really need to get back to the station.” 

The doctor scowled darkly.  “You’re here because I presume someone with more sense than you thought you should get checked out.  Now are you going to stand here arguing with me like a spoiled child, or are you going to come with me into a treatment room so I can do my job and get you back to yours?” 

“Spoiled—oh that’s rich.  Some damn doctor is gonna call _me_ spoiled?  You don’t have the first idea what kind of shit I go through on a daily basis, but I’m the spoiled one.  You’re one funny guy, Doc, uh Doctor—“  He peered at the name tag on the doctor’s white coat.  “Doctor Brackett.  I’ll be sure to remember the name when my captain asks me why I was stuck here when I should have been back at the station doing my job.” 

He had been so caught up in his tirade that he missed the growing anger on the doctor’s face.  Suddenly his arm was grabbed again, not so gently this time, in a surprisingly strong grasp, and the doctor started hauling him into the treatment room.  Johnny let out an indignant yelp of pain, struggling to keep up as his leg protested the speed with which he was being dragged.   

"Carol,” called the doctor, I’m going to need you in treatment two.”  Inside the exam room, Dr. Brackett jabbed a finger towards Johnny’s chest.  “Get undressed.” 

“Un-undressed?”  Johnny looked nervously at Carol, who had entered behind them. 

“Yep, every stitch.  Carol can help you.  And if you give her any trouble, you can be sure your captain will hear all about it.” 

“But it’s just my leg—“ 

Brackett stopped him with another jab to his chest.  “Look, Gage.  You can cooperate like a nice fireman, or Carol can cut those clothes off of you.  Either way, when I get back in five minutes, you’d better be naked and up on that exam table.  You got me?” 

Johnny gulped and nodded, regretting his outburst.  Five humiliating minutes later he was lying on the table, naked as ordered, with only a thin sheet draped over him.  When Doctor Brackett returned, he relented and allowed Johnny a hospital gown, although that didn’t cover him much better than the sheet. 

By now, they had both regained their tempers.  The examination went smoothly enough, and Brackett concluded that he had a first degree burn on his leg, and a strained shoulder. 

“You’re done for today,” said the doctor.  “But I don’t see any reason why you can’t return for your next regularly scheduled shift.  Just stay off that leg as much as possible, apply this cream a few times each day, no heavy lifting, and you’ll be good as new.” 

“Thanks, Doc.  Uh, sorry about before.  I was pissed off at somebody else, and—“ 

“Don’t worry about it, Gage.  Just try to be more careful in the future.”  He gave a slightly pained smile.  “And maybe give us poor spoiled doctors a break, okay?” 

Johnny grimaced, nodding. 

“All right, get dressed and get out of here.” 

Dressed again in his uniform, with his turnouts under one arm, Johnny went to call Jason to pick him up, but when he got to the payphone, he realized he didn’t have any change with him.  He limped back to the nurses’ station and waited, tapping his fingers on the counter, while a pretty blonde nurse finished making notes on a patient’s chart.  He cleared his throat, and she looked up and smiled. 

“Hey handsome,” she said in a throaty alto.  “Can I help you?” 

“Yeah, I—I need to call for a ride, but I, er, left my wallet in my other uniform.  Ha.  You mind if I use your phone?” 

“Sure, just kept it short.”  She moved the phone towards him, turning it around. 

He gave her a lopsided grin.  “Thanks, uh, Miss…” 

“McCall.  You, however, can call me Dixie.” 

He picked up the receiver and eyed her nervously as he dialed.  He let the phone ring fifteen times before he blew out his breath in a frustrated puff and hung up. 

“No luck?” asked Dixie. 

“Nah.  Nobody home.” 

“You want to try somebody else?” 

He shook his head.  “Thanks anyway.  It was nice to meet you, Dixie.” 

“We only got halfway there.” 

“Huh?” 

She arched an eyebrow.  “You never told me _your_ name.” 

“Oh yeah.  It’s Johnny.  Johnny Gage.” 

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Johnny Gage.  No offense, but I hope I don’t see you around here too often.” 

He laughed.  “Me either.”  He leaned closer, whispering.  “Some of these doctors are a little mean.” 

“Hmm,” was all she had to say in reply. 

“See ya,” he said, feeling oddly cheered by the brief interaction. 

He limped toward the exit, suddenly glum again at the thought of what waited for him back at the station.  And he had to get there first.  He thought about taking a cab, but decided he didn’t want to pay the fare.  Instead he headed for the nearest bus stop.  He still had the routes and schedules in his head, and even though it would mean one transfer and a bit of a wait, he had plenty of time, and didn’t really mind delaying the inevitable confrontation with Saunders. 

By the time he got out of the Rampart parking lot, however, his limp had worsened, along with the pain, and he was starting to wish he had just hopped in one of the cabs near the door.  To make matters worse, he remembered belatedly that he had no money with him.  Giving a mental shrug, he decided that perhaps he could get a little sympathy from a fellow civil servant, and the driver would let him ride for free.  If not, he’d think of something. 

He had made it one long block out of the parking lot, and had another long block to go, when a small white sports car passed him, slowed down, and pulled to the curb ten feet ahead of him.  He had a brief moment of déjà vu, but the car was an MGB, not a VW, and the driver’s hair was dark, not sun-bleached blonde.  _Must be looking for someone else_.  He limped onward, but as he passed the car, the passenger window was rolled down, and a dark head leaned toward him. 

“Gage,” came the deep, raspy voice, “what in the hell do you think you’re doing?” 

Johnny bent down a little to confirm the identity of the driver.  “Doc?” he said, annoyed at the flare of guilt he felt, as if he were a child caught misbehaving.  For the second time that afternoon, irrational anger flooded Johnny, directed towards Doctor Brackett.  “What’s it look like, I’m doing?”  He purposely laced his voice with sarcasm.  “I’m heading back to the station.”                

“Were you planning on walking all the way there?”  Brackett was scowling at him.                

“Uh, no.  There’s a bus stop up on the next block.  Not that you would know anything about that.”  Johnny started walking again, doing his best not to limp, but not succeeding very well.                

“Gage!  Get back here!” 

The crack of authority in that deep voice had Johnny obeying before he was even aware of what he was doing.  “What?”  Frustration and instinctual fear gave his voice a sharpness he didn’t intend.  He hoped Brackett had only heard the frustration. 

“Get in the car.” 

Johnny hesitated, experiencing déjà vu once more, but this time it was not Jason with his sweet smile and kind eyes that came to mind, but something else that had him suddenly perspiring and nauseous.  “It’s okay Doc.”  He tried for a small half smile.  “I’m used to walking.” 

“Right now you’re going against doctor’s orders.”  Brackett’s voice had softened a bit.  “You’re at 54, right?” Johnny nodded, shifting his weight onto his good leg. “Come on.  It’s right on my way.  I’ll drop you.” 

He hesitated a moment longer, trying to push away the images which had rushed in at him, of himself a couple of weeks after his aunt had kicked him out, hungry and desperate, leaning into a stranger’s car window transacting business, and waking hours later in an alley bruised and drugged, never really sure what exactly had been done to him.  He was gripped by an irrational fear that Brackett could see the ugly things going on inside of his head.  Then he pulled open the door and dropped into the low seat, forcing his long legs into the cramped space in front of him.  He shoved his sloppily folded turnouts between his right side and the door. 

“Thanks, Doc,” he mumbled.  Catching a whiff of Brackett’s expensive cologne, he cringed at the acrid smell of smoke which still clung to his own clothes.  “Sorry about the smell.”  Turning to give Brackett another half smile, he caught the quizzical look on the older man’s’ face. 

“It’s fine,” said Brackett.  He signaled and pulled the sports car back out onto the road.  

The twenty minute trip was made in awkward silence, awkward for Johnny, at least.  Brackett appeared to be caught up in his own thoughts, concentrating on driving and pretty much ignoring his passenger.  As they came closer to the station, Johnny remembered the looming confrontation regarding Saunders.  Without thinking, he gave a heavy sigh. 

“Jesus, Gage,” Brackett said, startling him, “don’t you ever relax?” 

“Huh?” 

“Why are you wound so tight?” 

Johnny gave him a dark look.  “What do you care,” he snapped, then once more regretted his tone.  He smiled again, working hard to make it look sincere.  “Sorry, Doc.  I guess I’ve had better days.” 

“Hmm.  Well, here’s your station.  Try to stay off that leg until your next shift.” 

Johnny levered himself out of the car and shut the door, then turned back toward the open window.  “I appreciate the ride,” he said, but before all the words were out of his mouth, the little white sports car had accelerated away from the curb and was halfway down the block. 

The first person Johnny saw as he entered the station was Stan.  “Cap wants to see you right away,” he said.  He wasn’t wearing his usual smile, and Johnny began to get worried.  Had Saunders already spread some bogus story about what had happened at the fire? 

Standing in the open doorway to Captain Smithson’s office, Johnny rapped on the doorframe to gain his attention.  Smithson looked up from his desk and motioned Johnny inside. 

“Close the door, Gage.  Have a seat.”  When Johnny was seated across the desk from him, he gave a sigh and pushed back a little from the desk, eyeing the younger man.  “How’s the leg?” 

Johnny shrugged, and then fished in his pocket for the release from the hospital, which he handed to Captain Smithson. 

“Just a little first degree burn.  The doctor says I can come back next shift.” 

Smithson nodded.  “Good, good.”  He sighed again, seeming distracted.  “I’ve already talked to some of the other men, including one of the guys from 36’s, about what happened today.  I’d like to hear your version.” 

“Version?”  Johnny didn’t like the sound of that, but the serious look on Smithson’s face smothered the sharp response which immediately sprang to his lips.  He forced himself to take a couple of deep breaths before he began.  “Stan was backing me up, to begin with.  Then he was called up to the fourth floor to look for that office worker, and Saunders took his place.  Next thing I knew, the hose started going crazy on me, and Saunders had disappeared.”  He shrugged.  “I got thrown forward a little and that’s how my leg caught fire.  Banged up my shoulder too.  That’s about it.  One of the guys from 36’s showed up to give me a hand, and about the time we had things under control, Saunders was suddenly there again.” 

Captain Smithson had turned his chair to stare out the small window on his right.  He seemed almost to not be listening to Johnny, but when he finished, he swung his chair back and sat up a little straighter.  “Yeah, that pretty much confirms what everyone else is saying.  Except for Saunders of course.”  He shook his head, looking tired.  “Guess I’ve got some paperwork to fill out.”  He opened his desk drawer, then looked up, seeming surprised to see Johnny still sitting there.  “Gage?  Something else?” 

Johnny shifted uncomfortably, wondering if he should mention his suspicions.  Smithson was waiting for him to say something, so he plunged ahead.  “Just something I saw.  Sort of.  There’s no real proof…” 

“Gage, just spit it out.” 

“Uh.  Well, when Saunders got back and I was leaving the building, I noticed that it looked like that little coin shop had been busted into.  It just seemed kind of weird, and I couldn’t help but wonder…” 

Smithson groaned.  “That’s just what I need.  John, did you actually see him take anything?” 

Johnny shook his head. 

“All right.  I guess I’d better find out if anything is missing.  I’ll handle it from here.  You go on home and I’ll see you in a couple of days.”  He gave a vague wave, dismissing Johnny, and went back to rummaging through his desk drawer.  

 

Johnny had not been able to get out of there fast enough.  Stan and a couple of the other guys followed him to the locker room, peppering him with questions, which he fended off with grunts and shrugs as he changed his clothes, without even bothering to shower.  As he limped through the station on the way to his camper, he caught a brief glimpse of Saunders and one his buddies in the day room, watching him.  He didn’t acknowledge them, just kept moving, relieved to get behind the wheel and pull out of the parking lot.  Bending his neck from side to side, trying to release the tension which had built up in his back and shoulders, he resolved to put the station and the fire and especially Saunders from his mind. 

His thoughts turned to Jason, who he hoped was home by now.  He grinned.  Injured he might be, but that that wouldn’t prevent him from enjoying the unexpected windfall of this extra time together.  Nope, not at all.  Happy, horny thoughts danced through his mind as he stopped at the convenience store near the apartment to stock up on beer and lube.  Maybe he would spring for a pizza later. 

The beige VW was in the parking lot, but Johnny had to park his camper on the street as his usual spot was taken.  Even this didn’t dampen his good mood.  He whistled as he made his way up the stairs to the second floor carrying the grocery bag, moving a bit slower than usual.  Despite the pain in his leg and shoulder, as he put the key in the lock he was thinking how good he felt, and what a novelty it was that for the first time in his life he was coming home to a place and to a person that had him grinning like an idiot and finally starting to understand all the sappy lyrics to all of those love songs that had irritated him for so long. 

When he stepped inside, he knew immediately that something wasn’t right.  He couldn’t place the odd but familiar scent right away.  The visual clues held his attention at first:  the suitcase and briefcase neatly placed near the front door, the expensive brown leather jacket draped across the arm of the sofa, the chipped saucer holding several cigarette butts, the closed bedroom door. 

He heard voices, and his legs were moving him forward toward that closed door without any instructions from his brain, because his brain had ceased to function for the moment.  His hand reached out to turn the doorknob, pushed the door open, and his brain started up again, because it had no choice really, and once the door was open, his brain was forced to acknowledge pretty much what it had been expecting, but which in reality turned out to be worse, so much worse. 

Jason knelt on the bed facing the door, his head thrown back, eyes closed, moaning with pleasure.  Behind him, buried deep inside him, where Johnny had never been invited to go, another man moved against him, thrusting in and out, his face pressed to Jason’s neck so that only his thick dark hair was visible at first.  Dully, Johnny identified the odor he had noticed earlier as he saw the saucer, twin of the one in the living room, which held a half-smoked joint.  Next to it on the nightstand sat a plastic bag filled with several handfuls of pills. 

Taking it all in, he felt his heart freeze into a tiny lump of ice in his chest.  The grocery bag dropped from his grasp with a dull thud.  The fused bodies stopped moving, two heads shot up, and Johnny found himself staring directly into Jason’s eyes.  Beyond him he could see the other man’s face.  Whoever he was, he was beautiful, with a full, sensuous mouth, elegant nose and intense dark eyes.  Standing as if frozen, his gaze jumping from one face to the other, Johnny wasn’t prepared for the snort of laughter which erupted from Jason.  The other man just watched Johnny, face impassive. 

“Hey, Johnny,” said Jason, grinning.  “Whatcha doin’ home?  Come and give me a kiss?”  Another idiot burst of laughter.  “Look who’s here.  Remember David?”  He glanced over his shoulder and stage-whispered, “That’s Johnny.” 

David’s hand stroked Jason’s shoulder possessively.   “Johnny,” he said, his voice all bored amusement, “could you please excuse us for a minute…better make that a couple of minutes.” 

Johnny backed out of the room without uttering a word, shutting the door softly.  He wanted to bolt, but all of his clothes were in the bedroom and he wasn’t about to come back here after he got everything and cleared out.  Sitting on the sofa listening to his lover getting his brains fucked out by his ex-boyfriend was perhaps not the worst thing he had had to endure in his life, but at that moment it felt like it.  He would have almost rather spent a few more minutes being scorched in the fire, or being beat on by his Uncle Charles, or even down on his knees sucking Jerry’s sweaty cock. 

When the door finally opened, it was a graceful, naked David who walked out, extending his hand, which Johnny ignored, and who pretended to smile apologetically when in fact he was gloating. 

“Wow, Johnny.  This is awkward, isn’t it?  We could make it less awkward, if you want.  It’s a big bed.  No?  Well, go on in and talk to him.  He feels real bad about this, believe me.” 

When Johnny limped back into the bedroom and started pulling clothes out of the closet and the dresser drawers, Jason, seated on the edge of the bed, did look sorry, that was true. 

“Babe, ohmygod, I don’t know how this happened.  It’s so wild, he just showed up and next thing you know...”  He was rambling, his voice higher than normal and jittery, so unlike Jason.  Johnny took a closer look at him, noting his pinpoint pupils, rapid breathing and the shaky hands that couldn’t keep still.  “Johnny, what are you doing there?”  He stood up and tried to push Johnny away from the dresser.  “Put that stuff back.  Come on.  Don’t be mad at me.  This is stupid.”  He was pulling on Johnny’s arm. 

Johnny gave him a light shove and he sat back down on the bed, bounced once and slid to the floor, laughing helplessly.  Johnny stood over him, shaking his head.  “You complete FUCK,” he said.  Arms filled with clothes, he went out to the kitchen and shoved everything into a couple of garbage bags. 

Jason had followed him out and hovered around him as he gathered up his things.  He suddenly seemed to notice that Johnny was limping.  “Are you hurt?  Is that why you’re home so early?  Man, sit down.  Hey, I know--let’s all get high.  David brought all kinds of good stuff.  It’ll make you feel better.  David?  Tell Johnny it’s okay if he stays.” 

This meek Jason was worse than anything Johnny had seen earlier.  A brief notion bubbled up through the numbness that something was wrong here besides the obvious betrayal.  He paused with his hand on the doorknob and looked over his shoulder.  “Jason….”  Then David moved up behind Jason, wrapping his arms around his waist and nuzzling his neck.  Johnny saw the smile which lit Jason’s face and continued on out the door, feeling as if he was going to vomit.   

 

By the time he had driven around, found a dark quiet side street where he could park, and crawled into the back of the camper to try to get some sleep, Johnny’s thoughts were bouncing around in his skull.  _Gage, you are one stupid, delusional son of a bitch.  Never should have trusted the guy.  Of course he never wanted you.  You were just a sorry substitute for David.  Why would he want you?  Why would anybody want you?_


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years before becoming a paramedic, as John Gage is struggling to put his past behind him and build a new life, he catches the eye of a fellow trainee at the fire academy.

The next day Johnny woke, exhausted and sore, and went apartment hunting.  Because he didn’t have much of a balance in his bank account, his options were limited.  However, he had lived in some pretty rough places the last couple of years, so he wasn’t too picky.  By late afternoon, he had signed a six month lease on a tiny studio apartment on the edge of a bad neighborhood, only twenty minutes from work.  He had no furniture, other than the thin mattress he dragged in from the camper. 

 

After a trip to the store for basic supplies and food, he was finally able to shower away the lingering scent of smoke.  Later, as he applied burn cream to his leg and changed the dressing, he reflected with bitter humor on how pissed off Dr. Brackett would be with him if he could have seen him today, limping through rat-infested dive after rat-infested dive.  At least this place, bad as it was, appeared to be free of rats or any other tiny, unwanted roommates.

 

He forced himself to eat a sandwich for dinner, washed down with milk.  After that, with no television or reading material or music, he had nothing left to do but think.  For a while, he tortured himself, once again replaying every moment he had spent with Jason over the past several months, trying to understand how he had been so completely fooled by the man.  Had Jason cared for him at all, or had he just been looking for a warm body?  In the end, Johnny could only conclude that Jason’s blinding good looks, combined with his own intense need to feel loved, had made Johnny abandon his usual caution.  _Won’t make that mistake again anytime soon.  Hopefully never again._

He spent most of his final day off sleeping.  Eventually he would have to see about finding some used furniture he could afford, and make an effort at decorating his new place, but he wanted to make sure he was as fit as he could be for his next shift.  He went out once to pick up a couple of paperbacks, since boredom was becoming a problem.  In between fitful dozing, he lost himself in the world of espionage and macho sexual conquests, and at some point between sleep and wakefulness he blearily supposed that if he could model himself on the lady killing, ultra male hero in the novel, he would make himself safe from any suspicions which might be directed towards him in the future.

 

 He reported for work the next morning still feeling emotionally wrung out, but physically much better.  Having worried about Saunders for nearly two days, it was somewhat anticlimactic to arrive at the station only to discover that he was gone.  Captain Smithson called Johnny into his office after roll call, and filled him in on what had happened.  After Johnny had gone home, Smithson had confirmed that the owners of the rare coin shop had indeed discovered that some of the display cases had been shattered, and a sizeable number of gold and silver coins were missing.  The police had been called, and Saunders’ locker was searched and the coins found.  With that discovery he was gone from the department, charges were filed, and there was a good chance that he would end up with some jail time.

 

 Saunders seemed to be the only thing Johnny’s shift mates wanted to talk about that morning, and as he completed his assigned chores and later tried to relax with a cup of coffee and a magazine, he limited himself to one syllable answers and wished that the tones would sound, sending them just about anywhere to give him some peace from all of the gossip and rehashing of what had happened.  Just before lunch, he got a reprieve of a different kind when the phone rang, and Stan held it out to him and said, a little surprised, “You’ve got a phone call, Johnny.”

 

 Johnny was surprised too, for about half a second.  Before he had picked up the receiver, he had guessed who it would be.

 

 “Johnny,” came Jason’s tense voice over the line.

 

“Leave me alone,” he said, and slammed down the receiver, ignoring the curious looks thrown his way.

 

Johnny should have known that Jason wouldn’t give up so easily.  Over the next two shifts he called five more times, sounding increasingly distressed with each call.  The sixth time he called, Johnny practically snarled into the phone.  “What the hell, man?  What is your problem?”

 

“Johnny, don’t hang up.”

 

“Why not?” he asked, trying to calm down.  Half a dozen sets of ears lingered nearby, most of them probably listening in.

 

“I’ll just keep calling back.  You really want that kind of attention?”

 

“Nope.  So what’s up?”

 

“I really screwed up, babe.”

 

“Yeah, I guess you did.  So?”

 

“Johnny, you don’t understand—“

 

He rubbed small circles on his forehead with one finger, trying to massage away the headache which was starting.  “Nothing wrong with my eyesight.”  This had come out louder than he had intended, and he inhaled and exhaled deeply, trying to calm down.  “You about done?”

 

“Wait.  Wait.  I know I hurt you and I am so sorry.  But there’s more.”

 

 “I’m hanging up now.”

 

 “Johnny!”  The utter panic in that usually calm voice made him pause.

 

“All right.  I’m listening.”

 

There was brief silence on the other end of the line, and when Jason’s voice came again, it was so low that Johnny could barely make out the words.  “They know.”

 

“What was that?  Who are you talking about?”

 

“The guys at work.  Two of them saw me with David last night.  We—we weren’t being careful.”

 

 _Oh shit._ “Uh, what happened, exactly?”

 

“We were at this bar—“  Jason’s voice cracked.  He stopped talking for a moment, and then started again.  “David wanted to go shoot some pool.  So we went up to _Carlyle’s_ , you know that place three blocks over?”

 

“Yep.”  _Of course he knew.  He was the one that showed it to Jason._

"I guess we were a little drunk.”  _And high, probably._   ”We were walking home, and David starts making out, right there on the street.  I mean, his hand was down the back of my pants, and—“

“I _get_ it, already.  Just get on with it.”

 

“Yeah, well, this car drives by and then slows down.  It was Morris and Jakes from my station.  And they saw me.  We were right under a fucking streetlight.  Ah, shit, Johnny.  Now David’s gone, back to New York.  I gotta go back to work tomorrow.  What am I gonna do?”

 

He felt ill.  With a small wave of bitter despair, he realized that despite his anger over Jason’s betrayal, he still cared for him.  Jason was in for a rough time, and Johnny wouldn’t wish that on anyone, least of all someone who had once meant everything to him.  A flicker of fear touched him.  Would this lead back to him?  Immediately he felt guilty for worrying about himself when Jason was the one who was in trouble. 

 

He needed to talk to Jason, find out how bad this was, but he couldn’t do it on the phone.  Cursing himself for a fool and a sucker of the first magnitude, he heard himself say, “I’ll meet you for breakfast, okay?  Day after tomorrow.  You pick the place.”  That was the soonest they could get together, since Jason was on shift the next day.

 

A shaky sigh came over the phone line.  “Okay.”  A small laugh.  “If I survive.  Oh boy.  Okay, let’s meet at that donut shop you like down near the beach.  About 8:30?”

 

“Yeah.  Good.  See you then.”  Johnny hung up.

 

 _If I survive,_ Jason had said.  Johnny thought maybe he was only half joking.

  

The rest of Johnny’s shift passed with agonizing slowness.  The firebugs, the accident-prone and the bumblers of LA County had all decided to take the day off.  At least the gossip about Saunders had played itself out, and Johnny was left alone for the rest of the shift.  When he left for home the next morning, his nerves were stretched and humming with dread, wondering what was going on with Jason.  He had to wait another 24 hours to find out.

 

To fill the time, he prowled through several secondhand stores, picking up a few pieces of furniture and a small set of dishes and pans.  On the way home, he drove past Jason’s apartment, noting only that the VW was gone, and the space next to it was empty.  He still had his key but didn’t use it.  He would have to remember to give it back to Jason when they met for breakfast.  The thought made his throat constrict with grief. 

 

The next morning, he arrived at the donut shop ten minutes early.  He wasn’t hungry, but he went in and bought a cup of coffee in a to-go cup, then went back to sit in the camper and wait for Jason.  An hour later, he was still waiting, and beginning to worry, so he spent the next half hour thinking of reasons why Jason was late.  Maybe they had gone out on a call that had lasted past shift change.  Maybe he was having car trouble.  Maybe he’d forgotten.  Maybe Johnny had misunderstood where they were supposed to meet. 

Finally, Johnny got out to find a pay phone and called Jason at home.  No answer.  He fished the phone number for 99’s from out of his wallet and stared at the phone.  _Just dial.  Everything’s fine.  Just dial the damn phone._

Someone picked up on the first ring.  Unprepared, Johnny stumbled over his words.  “Uh, yeah, I’m checking on someone from C shift.  They go home yet?”

 

“Yup.  Who you looking for?”

 

“Jason Lindstrom.  Did he leave already?”

 

A pause on the other end.  “Look, I don’t really know anything about that.”

 

“About what?”

 

“Hey, I shouldn’t say anything.  The police have been all over the place.  I’ve really only heard some rumors.”

 

Johnny leaned against the wall of the phone booth, squeezing his eyes shut.  “Where’s Jason?” he said faintly.

 

Another pause.  “I heard they took him to the hospital.  Rampart, I guess.  But I don’t think—“

 

Panicking, Johnny slammed the receiver down and dug in his pocket for more change.  After a call to information, he dialed Rampart.

 

“Admitting,” said the crisp female voice on the other end.

 

“Do you have a patient there named Jason Lindstrom?”

 

“One moment.  Yes, there was someone by that name brought in yesterday.”

 

“Can you tell me what his injuries are?”

 

“Are you a relative?”

 

“No.”

 

“I’m sorry sir, we can’t give out that information.”

 

Johnny took a deep breath.  “Well, is he still there?”

 

“I’m sorry sir—“

 

“Yeah, yeah, I get it.”  He thought for a second.  “Look, could you please connect me to Dr. Brackett in the ER?”

 

“Whom shall I say is calling?”

 

“John Gage.  Fireman John Gage.”

 

“One moment please.”

 

He rubbed his forehead as he listened to the series of clicks as he was transferred.

 

“This is Dr. Brackett,” came the deep voice.

 

“Hi, Doc.  This is John Gage.  Not sure you remember me.  Burned leg, bad attitude?”

 

“How could I forget?  Everything all right with the leg?”

 

“Oh, yeah, fine.  This isn’t—I just—I wasn’t sure who to ask—“

 

“Whoa, slow down, Gage.  Just take a breath and tell me what you need.”

 

Johnny took his advice and gulped in a couple more deep breaths.  He tried to sound a little calmer as he continued.  _Just a casual, concerned friend._   “Well, see, I’ve got this buddy, another fireman.  We went to the academy together.  I was supposed to meet him this morning, and some guy at his station tells me he might have been there at the hospital yesterday, but I can’t get anybody to tell me anything.”

 

Brackett didn’t say anything for a moment.  When he did, his voice was, if possible, deeper, and had taken on a professional, soothing quality that had Johnny biting his lower lip.  “What is your friend’s name, John?”

 

 _John?_   “Uh, Jason.  Jason Lindstrom.”

 

“Ah.  I guess you’ll find out soon enough.  Jason was brought in yesterday, but there wasn’t anything we could do for him.”

 

A buzzing seemed to fill his ears.  “Do?  Sorry, Doc, I’m not following—“

 

“John, I’m sorry.  Your friend OD’d yesterday.”

 

“OD’d.”  He remembered the pills on the nightstand, all shapes and colors.  “He’s dead?”

 

“Yes, John, I’m afraid so.”

 

His eyes burned, and the world shifted crazily for a moment.  _Get off the phone.  Just a casual, concerned friend._ “Wow.  Guess I’ll have to find someone else to help me move today.”  He winced, imagining the look of disgust on Brackett’s face.

 

“Yes, I guess you will.  Good luck with that, Gage.”  _Click._  Johnny listened to the accusing dial tone, and then gently laid the receiver in the cradle.  Hardly aware how he had gotten there, he found himself back in the camper, his forehead pressed to the steering wheel.  _Jason, what happened?  Why would you do that?  Why didn’t you wait to talk to me?_

He drove home, crawled into bed, and let time and the world make do without him for a day.

  

When the next shift started, gossip about Saunders had been replaced by gossip about Jason.  Somehow, word had spread throughout LA County about the queer fireman who committed suicide in the middle of his shift.  “Good riddance,” seemed to be the most popular comment, with, “saved someone else from doing the honors,” running a close second.  Johnny kept quiet, even as his guts boiled with anger and fear.

 

Then, in the early afternoon, Stan suddenly remembered.  “Hey, Gage,” he said, “didn’t you go through the academy with Lindstrom?  Could you tell?”  He laughed.  “He didn’t make a pass at you or anything, huh kid?”

 

Johnny forced a smile.  “Naw.  I barely remember the guy.  Didn’t make much of an impression, I guess.”

   



	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years before becoming a paramedic, as John Gage is struggling to put his past behind him and build a new life, he catches the eye of a fellow trainee at the fire academy.

He kept an eye on the newspapers and knew when the funeral was held, and where.  He didn’t attend.  A week passed, and then another, and then it was over two months since Jason’s death.  Johnny had started talking to Stan about what it took to be a rescue man, and had set that as his next goal. 

 

He met a pretty girl at the grocery store and asked her on a date.  The kiss at the end of the night felt awkward, and they didn’t go out again, but he figured it was a start.  He tried again with the blonde who always seemed to be at the Laundromat at the same time as him.  She was kind, and took him to bed and didn’t seem to mind guiding him through his first experience with a woman.  They dated for about two weeks and parted friends.  He made sure everyone at the station heard all about her.

 

Over the next six months, he dated occasionally, and sometimes spent the night.  He finished up his probationary period at 54’s and requested and received a transfer to 10’s to train as a rescue man.  When the lease on his apartment was up, he found a bigger place in a better neighborhood. 

 

The talk about Jason had died down a week or so after his death, but not before Johnny had heard a little more of the story.  The two men who had witnessed Jason and David together had gone to their captain, who had in turn called Jason’s father, who was the captain at another station.  He had been home that day, and had driven over to confront Jason in person.  At that point in the story, Johnny had had to leave the room, but he managed to fill in the blanks easily enough.

 

He had been at 10’s for three months, and knew already that rescue work had been the correct choice for him.  He had settled into his new apartment, had a reasonably active social life, an adequate sex life, and felt he was gaining the respect of his shift mates.  Despite all this, he was miserable.  Although he had been able to put Jason out of his mind for most of his days, the nights were a different matter.  Alone, with a female guest, awake, asleep, Jason haunted his thoughts. 

 

A couple of times he had found himself at one of the bars or clubs he was familiar with, telling himself he was just looking for a blow job or a quick, hard fuck, but really looking for sun-bleached blonde hair and hazel eyes that saw into him and knew him.  Ultimately, he could not bring himself to accept any of the offers which came his way, and returned home, defeated, frustrated and afraid.

 

When he found himself on his days off spending more and more time alone, usually with a six-pack of beer, in front of the television, or out on his tiny deck, gazing across the busy street to the foothills in the east which he could barely make out through the smog, he had to finally admit that he still held the image of Jason, the Jason he had first met, inside his shredded heart.  Worse than the loss was the guilt.  Guilt that he had had to wait two days to talk to him.  Guild that he hadn’t trusted his instincts about David and just stuck around that afternoon and made David leave.

 

Despite the guilt and the grief and the crushing loneliness, Johnny gradually began to realize that for the first time since…well, for the first time ever, really, he felt safe and secure, and not just one bad experience away from ending up on the street again.  With that in mind, one early spring afternoon he drove his camper back to the stretch of road with the string of used car lots where he had bought it.  He had been thinking lately about trading it in for something more practical for driving around the city.  He didn’t have anything specific in mind, except to maybe just exchange it for something that didn’t symbolize a rootlessness which he no longer felt.

 

He had spent a couple of hours walking around, checking out the possibilities, dealing politely with the overzealous salesmen.  Having reached the end of the row of lots, he had about decided to give up for the day, when he heard a familiar voice, and spun around, heart pounding, to find himself staring into the face of Doug Saunders.  Not wanting any trouble, he took a quick step backwards, but something in Saunders’ expression stopped him.

 

“I said, how are you doing, Gage?” Saunders repeated.  “You finding anything you like here?”

 

“Uh,” said Johnny, belatedly noticing the cheap suit and nametag which the former fireman wore.  “Hey, Saunders.  No, no.  Just, you know, looking around today.”  The brief flare of panic had shifted into embarrassment for the guy.

 

“Yeah, no problem.  I get that a lot.”  They stared at each other for a moment.  “Look, Gage, you can relax.  I’m not going to punch you or anything.”

 

“Okay.”  _You punch me?  I think you’ve got that backwards._   “So…you doing okay?”

 

Saunders took a pack of cigarettes from his breast pocket, shook one out and stuck it in his mouth, hesitated, and offered one to Johnny, who surprised himself by accepting it.  He hadn’t smoked since he started at the academy, but he found himself with a sudden craving for one.  Saunders lit both cigarettes, they both inhaled, exhaled, and Saunders finally answered his question.  “You know, Gage, I think you might have done me a favor.  Fighting fires just wasn’t my thing.  I mean, my dad was dead set on me following in his footsteps, but I could tell right away that I just wasn’t gonna be any good at it.  And me, a third generation fireman and all.”

 

 _Just like Jason._ Johnny smoked his cigarette, trying not to cough, and listened to what Saunders seemed compelled to tell him.

 

“And there you were, nobody from nowhere, just some skinny kid—I know, sorry, I was a real jerk towards you.  You were just so good at everything, and it never even seemed like you were trying.  The more I wanted out, the worse I treated you.  Part of me was just angry, part of me thought maybe I’d get kicked out for all the crap I threw your way, but you just seemed to accept it all, took it all in stride.”

 

Johnny sighed.  “Well you got your wish.  You nearly got me killed, though.  Why didn’t you just quit?”

 

Saunders gave a bitter laugh.  “And have to face my old man?  This way, he can tell himself some minority recruit with a chip on his shoulder had it in for me.  Better that than to think I quit on him.  Anyway, I’m doing pretty good here.  I like selling cars, believe it or not.  This is what I’m good at.  It might not look like much now, but some day I’m going to have my own dealership, and I’ll be living ten times better than all you guys.”

 

Johnny dropped his half-smoked cigarette to the gravel lot and stepped on it.  “Okay, good luck with that,” he said, and was mildly surprised to realize he meant it.  Almost.

 

“Come back when you’re ready to buy.  I’ll make you a good deal.”

 

He gave Saunders a tired smile.  “Sure.  Thanks.”  _Not in a million years._ He turned to leave, then swung back and before he could give himself a chance to change his mind, he asked, “Hey, remember Jason?  Jason Lindstrom?”

 

Saunders’ flat gaze gave nothing away.  “Yeah, I knew him.  We grew up together.”

 

Afraid of what this man might think, but still wanting to ask more, Johnny hesitated, then plunged ahead.  “Do you ever talk to his family?”

 

“Sure.  My dad and his are good buddies.  So, you know, holidays we usually all get together.”

 

Johnny chewed on his lower lip.  “Can you tell me—“  He had no idea how to ask, but he needed to know.  “Look, I only heard a little about what happened, that he overdosed on some kind of drugs.  Was…uh, was anyone with him?  I mean, did anyone try to help him?”  He waited, hoping he hadn’t revealed too much.

 

Saunders glanced around the lot as if looking for a customer to arrive and spare him this conversation, but it was a slow afternoon.  Finally, he scraped a hand across his thin red bangs and blew out a breath.  “This is just what I heard from his older brother.  Once 99’s captain called Jason’s dad, he raced over there and just let the poor kid have it.  Disowned him on the spot, right in front of the rest of the station.  Called him every ugly name….  Couple of the guys said it looked like he wanted to kick his ass too, but instead he told him he never wanted to see his face again, wished he’d never been born.  Well, you can imagine, I’m sure.  Pretty nasty scene.  I mean, I don’t like queers anymore than the next guy, but his own father?  Ouch.  And I liked Jason.  Always thought he was a good guy.  If he hadn’t decided to, you know, flaunt it like that he would have been fine.  I don’t see what the big deal is really.  Uh, anyway, after his dad left, Jason was in the dorm for a good long while.  The rest of the guys kept their distance.  By the time anyone found him, he was too far gone.  Comatose.  Doctors said there wasn’t anything they could do.”

 

Johnny swallowed, struggled to breathe normally.  Saunders seemed to be waiting for some kind of response, so he just nodded, cleared his throat.

 

Saunders was lighting another cigarette.  “I’ve been thinking about it, and you know what’s kind of weird?  In a lot of ways, Jason and me were alike.  Similar families.  I don’t think either of us really wanted to follow in our father’s footsteps, but what choice did we have?  And we each found our own way out.  Know what I mean?”

 

“Sure.  Well, I gotta take off.  Hope things work out for you, man.”

 

“You too, Gage.  No, I mean it.  I’m sorry I was such an ass to you.  Hey, can I give you some advice before you go?”

 

 _Go fuck yourself._   “Sure.  Go ahead.”

 

“Don’t ever let anyone else choose how you live your life.  Because I’m here to tell you it doesn’t work.  See what I’m sayin’?”

 

 _Sure thing, you pompous piece of shit._   “Absolutely.  Take it easy.”  He forced himself not to run back to his camper, and to pull out of the lot without tearing up the gravel.

 

 

After his encounter with Saunders, Johnny felt as if he had just lost Jason all over again, and the guilt began to gnaw away at him.  A part of him knew it was not a rational guilt.  What, after all, could he have done?  But he remembered the uneasy feeling he had had when he had seen Jason with David.  Why had he just run out like that?  He had heard the panic in Jason’s voice on the phone over the thought of showing up on his next shift with his secret exposed.  If only Johnny had told him to call in sick, and had had a chance to talk to him before it was too late.

 

The image of Jason dying alone haunted Johnny.  He became obsessed with the notion that he should have saved him somehow, stopped by the station that day, called him with a word of support, anything to halt the unfolding of events.  He wasn’t sleeping well, had little or no appetite, stopped going on dates.  Finally, when he realized that his preoccupation had begun to affect his performance on the job, he decided that he had to make a visit which he had been postponing, and which he had hoped to postpone forever.

  

A week later, as he left station 10 after an exhausting shift, he made the short trip which he had driven in his mind so many times, and had driven once in reality a month earlier, although that time he had stayed in the camper.  This time, he stopped first at a florist, standing uncertainly among all the bright, sweet flowers, and settled finally on the only possible choice, one dozen red roses.  From there, he drove to the cemetery and parked on the side of the road which snaked through the plots.  After a brief walk, he found Jason’s headstone with little difficulty.  He had expected it to still look freshly dug, and was surprised and dismayed that it already blended in with the older plots.

 

The headstone didn’t say much, just had his birth and death dates.  Johnny noted with surprise that Jason had been two months younger than him.  He had always thought he was older.  Not sure what he was supposed to do now that he was here, he placed the bouquet of roses on the grave and backed off a couple of steps, hands shoved in his jeans pockets.  He gave a sigh.  What had he been expecting?  To feel his lover’s presence?  To have a revelation, or be instantly absolved of his guilt?  None of that happened.  He stood there for a few minutes in the cool spring sunlight, feeling exposed and raw and lightheaded.  _This is stupid_ , he decided, and turned to go.

 

He jumped a little when he realized a young woman had appeared and was standing not three feet from him, staring at him.  “Whoa, startled me there,” he said, smiling and a little flustered.  He made to move past her, but stopped when he felt her hand on his arm.  Then he actually looked at her, and his eyes widened at the sun-bleached blonde hair and warm hazel eyes which were as familiar as his heart.

 

“You’re him, aren’t you?” she said.

 

“Sorry?”

 

“Jason’s friend.  He never told me your name, but he described you to me.”

 

Johnny’s hands came up, palms forward, in a warding gesture.  “Ah, hold on, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“I’m Jason’s sister, Melinda.”  She stuck out her own hand, and waited, smiling, until he finally grasped it in his and shook it gently.  “Let’s see…dark hair, dark eyes, beautiful face.”

 

His heart sank.  “Naw.  I think he must have meant someone else.”  He hesitated, not wanting to say the name, but he didn’t want any misunderstanding, not here at Jason’s grave.  “Sounds like David.”

 

The smile vanished.  “ _David_?  That son of a bitch.  No, David I had the misfortune to meet, and you are definitely not him.”  She stared at her brother’s headstone, seeming to take a moment to collect herself before she looked back at Johnny.  “Don’t worry.  I knew about Jason for a long time, almost before he knew himself, and certainly before David slithered his way into his life and messed with his head for two years.” 

 

Once again she had to stop to get control of herself.  “Jason was miserable after he left.  I was really worried about him for a while.  Then suddenly all he could talk about was some amazing guy he met at the academy.  Don’t ever doubt that he loved you, because believe me, I heard every little detail.”  She laughed in a way that had Johnny blushing.  “I want to thank you for making my brother happy again.”

 

As she spoke, Johnny couldn’t stop staring at her.  She looked so much like Jason, although he guessed she was probably at least five years older.  Then she stretched out a slender hand to touch the side of his face, and he let her, although he couldn’t bring himself to meet her gaze, and let his slide sideways and down.

 

“He was right,” she said, sounding bemused.  “You have the loveliest eyelashes.”

 

He did look at her then, not bothering to hide the sudden tears which pooled in his eyes and threatened to fall.  He nodded.  “Yeah.”  It took a couple of convulsive swallows before he trusted himself to speak again.  “Yeah, he liked them, I guess.”

 

“Would you like to go somewhere and talk for a while?” she asked.

 

He shook his head.  “I can’t.  I can’t do that.  But I just want to tell you—“  He had to wait another minute or so before he could finish.  “I’m so sorry about what happened.  I wish I had done more to help him, instead of…of…walking out on him.”

 

“You didn’t—“

 

“No.  I didn’t even give him a chance.  But you know, Melinda…you know what I regret the most?”

 

She shook her head, her kind eyes watching his as she waited for him to finish.

 

“When…when he died, and one of the guys at my station asked me if I’d known him, I just wish…I wish I had just looked him right in the eye and said, ‘Yeah.  Yeah, I knew him, he was my friend, and he was a great guy.’  I couldn’t even do that for him.  And you know what else?”

 

“What?”

 

“Of all the ways I managed to let him down, that is the one thing I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive myself for.”  He gave a nervous laugh.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I’ve got to get out of here.”

 

He tried to get past her, but she had grabbed his arm again, and before he knew what was happening, she had pulled him to her in an awkward hug.  He hugged her back for a few seconds, then disentangled himself from her and walked quickly away.  By the time he reached the camper, he was nearly running.  He ground the gears a little in his haste to get away.  As he pulled out of the cemetery, the tears, which had been threatening, finally fell, and after a few blocks he had to pull over because he could no longer see where he was going.

 

Shattered, he wept.  The world faded around him for a time as the madness of his grief consumed him.

 

Eventually, he struggled to bring the storm of tears under control, slapping the steering wheel, striving to drive away the pain which engulfed him, and had finally driven away the months of numbness.  _Jason loved me, not David.  He needed rescuing and I failed him.  I didn’t save him._ He took deep, gulping breaths and willed the tears to stop.

 

When he finally pulled into traffic and headed for home, he had started to believe that he would be…not okay, exactly, but that he would survive.  He would become what the world wanted him to be, a ladies’ man, a rescue man.  He hadn’t been able to rescue Jason, but from now on he would rescue them all, whatever it took.  He would move through the succeeding days and months and years, functioning, hiding in plain sight, and he would carry Jason along with him, a dark scar of regret etched forever on his lonely heart.

 

The End


End file.
